My daughter, who’s in Year 7, has been preparing for a pretty stressful day today: a “death run” in PE (what doesn’t kill her, I guess…) and her first ever French speaking test. The latter, in particular, is fraught with anxiety. The pesky silent letters, the tricky genders and the confusing agreements. But the bit that really stumped her was the question about her best friend. “It’s a tricky structure,” I acknowledged.

“It’s not that! I don’t know who to describe!” she wailed, followed by a complex account of the possible hurt she might cause by saying the “wrong” thing in her French test:

“I’ve told her I’m going to talk about her, but she thinks I’m going to be talking about her, and she’ll be really offended if I talk about HER,” she explained.

“Just lie?” I suggested. Not helpful, apparently.

“These things MATTER, Mum.”

It’s not entirely coincidental that I’m also writing a book for, about, and increasingly by young people with their advice on how to thrive at secondary school: provisionally called In Our Own Words.

I set out with great confidence, a clear structure and clear aims. True to adolescent form, my unpredictable participants (UK students aged between 11 and 20) have challenged and questioned me and forced me to rethink at every stage of the process. I’m now on the third overhaul of my structure. The chapter on learning styles has gone, and there is now a far greater emphasis on identity, friendship and self-definition. Michael Gove need not feature (although the impact of his policies will be beyond escape).

Here are some of the highlights of my unpredictable journey, based on the thoughts and opinions of one Year 10 class. Teachers, if you think you know what your students think, think again. And while you’re at it, you may wish to reconsider that detention policy…

Muddling through and faking it until you make it

‘How do we thrive at secondary school? Mostly, we don’t.’ The vast majority of young people who’ve written to me have been admirably honest about the fact that they, like everyone around them, are making it up, finding their way through the darkness… When we as teachers interpret their responses and reactions as premeditated, perhaps we should think again.

Neither child nor adult

This is hardly surprising, as adolescents exist in a twilight zone between childhood and adulthood. Behaviours that seem frustrating, obtuse or downright provocative actually have their roots in the psychological and physiological development of young adults (For more on this, read the work of the fabulous Sarah-Jayne Blakemore). Knowing this doesn’t make it easier to be a teenager, feeling the increasing pressure to belong, to be respected, to be “grown-up”.

Many young people refer to this transition, and there is a significant element of nostalgia for the unselfconsciousness and unconditional acceptance offered by childhood.

It’s reassuring to know that, even when we’re annoying as adults (a lot, in my case!) what we say can be helpful.

One participant said: “Sometimes I like to be told that I’m still small (even though it’s annoying), just so that I can remember that I’m still allowed to be childish and absurd.”

Another, who clearly feels the pressure young people are under to grow up, warns of the necessity to hold on to childhood for as long as possible:

“I think that society has this mindset which encourages kids to grow up fast and become mature - and I don’t agree. It’s easy to want to be like the teens who wear make-up, follow trends and hang out with the opposite sex. Oh, the amount of DRAMA which you will encounter with the other gender. My point is that you should allow yourself to be young for as long as you can. You won’t regret it.”

Rules and sanctions

One particular student, by his own admission, follows the rules on a regular basis, but urges others to deviate from this path and questions the value of detentions:

“Sometimes, we focus so much on following the rules that we forget to be free. It’s good to know that school rules are not laws and detentions mean nothing…Any adult can tell you that they did not end up beheaded because of a lame detention.”

Studies matter, but…

Teachers may or may not be surprised at the relatively minor emphasis on actual studying in the responses of these Year 10 students. When they do refer to it, their comments are refreshingly brisk and down-to-earth:

“Don’t stress too much. You will get better.”

“Do your best and listen and participate in class. If you listen in class, you won’t have to revise so much. Don’t stress or overreact. One exam is only one exam!”

But if we teachers imagine they’re fretting over the periodic table of an evening, we’d better think again:

“My opinion is that, even though everyone struggles a bit with academic studies, the [issues] which really affect us are the emotional ones. Cheesy, right? Yup. That’s what life is like at this age. Awkward and cheesy.”

If we teachers imagine our classroom performance has to be engaging enough to overcome the distraction of the latest gossip or drama…we’re probably right!

Don’t let others define you

Finally, as with every time I really pay attention to what young people have to say, there’s something there that jolts me, humbles me and inspires me. It’s not just about young people learning from one another. They have an awful lot to teach us adults, too. We would be wise to heed them. This quote from one of the 14-year-old students is going above my desk at work:

“If there’s anything I’ve learned, it’s that I will never fit into that destructive mould that everyone’s trying to stuff themselves into. You may think you’re not allowed to love yourself, but I’m here to tell you to stuff that rule. You were born for a reason. Not to survive each day but to live each day to its fullest potential. Make every day count.”

Dr Emma Kell is a secondary teacher in north-east London and author of How to Survive in Teaching. If you know a young person (a student or relative) interested in participating in this project, you can contact Emma on Twitter @thosethatcan