A sea of eager faces look up at me. I feel a curious mix of emotions: excitement, pride, a bit of trepidation. After all, this is the first English lesson of secondary school for my new charges. The Year 7s have arrived. 

I introduce them to the booklets they will be working from this term and an overview of the knowledge they can expect to gain. 

A hand goes up: the first question. Eagerly, I gesture for the student to speak, expecting a searching probe about the upcoming scheme of work. 

Transition issues

Alas, what I actually get is: “Can I go to the toilet?”

Ah, Year 7: standing on the cusp of their secondary school career, shining faces agog, ready to absorb new ideas like little sponges. 

They’re so full of questions. So, so, so many questions. Some are valid, but some leave you questioning your own sanity. Here are my top five of the latter. 

5. ‘What colour should I underline the date and title in?’

In at number 5, the perennial debate about the particulars of underlining the date and title. Pencil? Scented pink gel pen? I don’t know if this happens because they are freed from the tyranny of the pen license, or because there are up to 12 teachers who all have their own way of setting out exercise books. Regardless, my answer is always the same: I don’t care, as long as it is neat and legible.

4. ‘Miss, am I in the right classroom?’

A friend once told me of a Year 7 student who spent a whole day in his first week going to any old lesson that looked as though it had Year 7s in it. Less likely in this new normal of bubbles and year zones, this question is a common one all the same, and it usually appears further into the lesson than you’d think. Of course, there are also the moments when your Year 11 double lesson on dactylic tetrameter is interrupted by a tiny person with an enormous bag bumbling in, to their mortification - and to general hilarity from the Year 11s. 

3. ‘Do I need to wear my mask in…?’

A new entry for the “covid cohort”, but one that has become so ubiquitous that it has entered at number three. Do you need to wear your mask? Pretty much the answer is yes, Year 7, you do, unless you’re literally eating or drinking. But don’t make the mistake I made last week, which was to lift a coffee cup to my visor, drenching myself and losing my dignity to boot. Also…no, you can’t swap masks. And your mate can’t try on your extra-comfy, super-elasticated pink-fur-trimmed one.

2. ‘But…how do I…?’

It is not an exaggeration to say I have witnessed tears in four successive classes over the folding of paper into six to make a storyboard. I think there is a lesson to be learned from primary teachers here, who seem to be able to give instructions in a way that doesn’t reduce anyone to tears. Clearly born from a desire to please, it can be a shock when you have changed lessons from a Year 9 set, who have to be actively discouraged from using their exercise books to make origami shapes, to having to confirm that, yes, you do want Year 7 to fold the paper in front of them. No, not like that. Watch me do it again? Ok…no, there are tissues on my desk.

1. ‘Did you teach my mum?’

Is there any question more likely to dent your ego than this one? Look, Year 7s, I know that teaching has caused me to age like an egg sandwich left in a hot car, but please, I am 35. Probably the same age as your mum. That being said…yes, I probably taught your brother. 

Laura May Rowlands is head of faculty for English and literacy at Woodlands Community College in Southampton