It’s 10.30am and you have a headache brewing. You’ve already gone three rounds with the class smart-arse who makes rudeness into an art form; the queen bee has been attempting to divide and conquer via some next-level bitchiness; and your numeracy warm-up was like a game of musical chairs because you had to move the disruptive chatterbox so many times.

Your colleagues commiserate. They know your pain. So do the rest of your long-suffering class who witness all the “time outs” and missed playtimes. And they go home and gleefully tell their parents who’s been in trouble that day, so their mums and dads know, too. Everybody knows.

Well, not quite everybody. Worryingly, in some primary schools, the parents of these challenging pupils are often the last to know about their child’s behaviour.

In many cases they never discover that their child’s conduct is an issue until they start secondary school and the detentions start rolling in.

Primary schools pride themselves on their great relationships with parents and recognise how important parental cooperation is to the success of the school. So why are we keeping these parents in the dark?  

Behaviour management

Perhaps it’s because we’re too busy dealing with more pressing behavioural concerns in children who cause bigger problems and have more complex needs. Low-level behavioural issues are all part and parcel of being a teacher, and we deal with them on a daily basis. It’s difficult to address a bit of rudeness or disruption when you’re also teaching a child who’s prone to violent outbursts or trying to escape from the school grounds.

Those are the children with behaviour Individual Education Plans and specialist support in place, and we’re pretty good at keeping their parents informed because it’s essential.

Lesser behavioural concerns can seem trivial in comparison, and after a long day it’s tempting to paste on a smile and wave your class off rather than drag a parent in for a discussion about their child’s fondness for giving their friends dead legs or mouthing off at your teaching assistant.

Then sometimes you prepare to have “the talk” with a parent about a nasty playground incident, and then you find yourself downplaying the situation. Targeted bullying becomes “being unkind” and holding another child to the ground by their throat becomes “being a bit rough”. The parent leaves wondering what the fuss was about because that sounds like normal childhood behaviour.

Bad choices

Hiding the truth from parents like this does us no favours. If they don’t know that their child is causing a problem, or the extent of the situation, they won’t tell them what is unacceptable or back up any sanctions, so nothing changes.

Consider also the parents’ feelings: nobody wants to be known as the mum or dad of the bully or rude child; having everybody grumbling about your child behind your back while you know nothing about it is mortifying

So how can we communicate with parents about behaviour effectively? Here are some pointers:

1. Is the challenging behaviour a regular occurrence rather than a one-off incident? If so, the parents should be made aware.
2. Are you making yourself clear? When you say “spirited” and “a bit bossy”, parents may take that to mean that their child is a good leader with great communication skills. And wishy-washy phrases such as “needs support to make the right choices” can go straight over parents’ heads. If their child is bullying, being disobedient or rude, you need to say those words so that there can be no confusion. Be kind, but state it firmly and follow up with suggestions of how to improve the situation.
3. If parents are uncooperative, consider setting up a method of home/school communication about their child’s behaviour. Having a record of incidents makes it difficult for them to ignore the issue.
4. Mention behaviour during parents’ evenings and in reports. Read reports through after you have written them. Do they give an accurate picture of the pupil? Or do they only mention academic ability and gloss over a behavioural problem?
5. After any conversation with a parent about behaviour, follow up regularly, even if it’s just a thumbs-up and a big smile at the end of a good day or a two-minute chat about an incident. Let them know that the door is always open if they want to discuss anything further.

Lisa Jarmin is a primary school teacher and freelance writer