Choosing a holiday as a teacher is particularly tricky.
Anywhere top of the range is out, sadly. We’re stuck with premium prices for everything as it’s the school holidays: no off-peak bargains for us. That’s a shame, because we’re not exactly in this profession for the money.
And then we need to seek out a destination where we’re not likely to bump into any pupils. Nothing sours your sangria faster than hearing the words “That’s my teacher!”, as a student and their family troop over to stare at you in your bikini. They will either spend the rest of the holiday trying to become your best friends or gathering evidence of you letting your hair down to upload to the parents’ WhatsApp group chat.
And it doesn’t stop there: some parents seem to think that a teacher holidaying at the same resort as them means free childcare. I’ve experienced parents leaving their kids playing in the pool while they go and get drunk, expecting me to keep an eye on them.
My teacher friends are all familiar with this situation, and between us we’ve come up with the following strategies for maximum pupil avoidance on holiday.
1. Broaden your radius
If you’re going camping, avoid popular sites within a two-hour drive of your school. Local families will often use them for a quick, cheap break, so go further afield and relax in the knowledge that you won’t end up sharing the soap with a PTA busybody in the showers.
2. Go big
Think outside the box and search for unusual destinations. Llama-trekking in Peru should be safe; spending the holidays dangling from Mount Kilimanjaro even more so.
3. Avoid children
If you don’t have children, go for child-free resorts. That way there’s no chance of bumping into any pupils from your class, or any pupils from anyone’s class.
4. Rely on the rain
If you do have children, you can always do what my parents did and make them go hill walking in North Yorkshire. If you spot a pupil on this sort of holiday, the chances are that: a) they’ll never notice you through the lashing rain; and b) their soul will be so crushed after a fortnight of sheep and walking boots that they’ll have lost the will to torment.
But don’t worry if you’ve already made the mistake of booking your holiday in Pupil Central. Simply fake a foreign accent, wear sunglasses and pose as your evil twin. If you behave badly enough, nobody will ever believe it’s you.
Lisa Jarmin is an early years teacher and freelance journalist
