Being a Year 11 student the past few months has been intense, to say the least. Confusing, scary, and anger-inducing are all words that come to mind.
I went into the year knowing that it would be difficult, that I’d have to work hard, and that I’d have a great summer. And, though it’s not been what I expected, I wasn’t wrong.
Recently though - since A-level results were released and the government has made several U-turns - it’s been nothing short of horrible.
Background: 3 reasons the exams U-turn has a sting in the tail
Pupil voice: GCSE pupil: ‘I’m worried my cohort will be stigmatised’
Analysis: ‘Teacher grades aren’t a panacea - far from it’
GCSE results: No idea what to expect
Obviously, there has been a plethora of issues for the government to deal with since March, but it’s still difficult not to be livid at the handling of our exams. There were months and months for an appropriate grading system to be figured out, and yet - days before my results are due to be released - I still have no idea what to expect.
Watching the A-level results unfold has understandably made me nervous for my own results, and in fact, many of my friends took part in protests over the weekend about the controversial algorithm.
It seems obvious to me that factors such as my school’s previous results and my postcode should not affect my grades. Our exam results are by definition individual. It seems grossly unfair to bypass the grades predicted by our teachers, who actually know us, because of fears of grade inflation.
Surely after the traumatic year everyone has had, there are worse problems than students being given the benefit of the doubt? And in any case, I find it far more upsetting that people are being penalised for circumstances beyond our control.
Personally I should be all right tomorrow. My mock grades were good, and so I expect to get into my sixth form of choice. However, many of my friends won’t, and are worried that the so-called “triple lock” won’t help them at all.
‘I don’t feel I’ve earned my grades’
What’s tough is that I don’t feel able to take any pride in my achievements: I don’t feel that I’ve earned my grades.
For example, maths. It gave me a lot of grief, but even so, I believe that had GCSEs happened, I could have got a grade I’m proud of. Now I’ll never know.
If I don’t make the grade, I will feel robbed of the chance to prove to myself that I’m capable, despite the challenge. And, if I do, I’ll feel like an imposter, seeing as I didn’t really earn it.
Fuming is probably the best way to describe how I feel at the handling of our exams. I’ve seen first-hand the impacts that the uncertainty and constant U-turns have had on the mental health of my cohort, compounded with the more widespread troubles of loneliness and bereavement that the whole nation is experiencing.
Keeping up with the constantly changing news about our results is exhausting enough, and I don’t know many people who could confidently explain what is actually going to happen tomorrow.
Simultaneously terrified and indifferent
These exams matter to us: it’s shocking to me that the government could be so far off from what teachers and students want and need, especially given that some of the ministers involved have children our age.
The bottom line for me is that I’m simultaneously terrified and don’t actually care that much: these results will hold so little meaning, given that I never sat my exams.
It’s worrying that I have no control over them but, in the future, I expect they’ll be forgotten. Given that I’m part of the Class of 2020, they’ll be written off as unimportant and unreliable - or at least I hope so.
I’m resigned to mourning what could have been: an alternate universe where I sat my exams, my hard work paid off, and I felt truly proud of what I achieved.
Instead, I’ve missed rites of passage I desperately wanted, including the difficult ones: exam-cram sessions and nerves and scary results day, and the summer I felt I deserved.
Rosa Boyd is a Year 11 pupil at The Henrietta Barnett School, in North London
