Reena paused for a moment to compose herself. She took a few deep breaths, held back the emotions that threatened to overwhelm her, and steeled herself for the next difficult conversation. 

Someone in the school community had died as a result of Covid-19 and it was up to her to support the pupil and their family, manage the communication of the news, and ensure that every staff member and child had access to the help they needed. 

News of death is something headteachers like Reena deal with regularly, but it never gets easier: one in 20 children will lose a parent before their 16th birthday. 

But in the Covid-19 pandemic, we know more people are dying than is normal at this time of year. And with schools closed, and families in lockdown, all the things schools usually put in place will need to be adapted, if they are possible at all.

Coronavirus: Supporting bereaved pupils

So what can schools do?

1. Be aware that children who have suffered loss previously are a concern, too

“There will be a group of children who have lost a person, whether that is Covid-19 or another cause,” explains Diane Stubbs, a consultant to family services at the bereavement support charity Winston’s Wish. “But then you will also have a group of children who have already been bereaved previously, and another group who will be hearing about these losses.”

Stubbs says that for those children who have suffered bereavements before the pandemic, the talk of death will make their grief fresh again. 

“Because of the increase in conversations and news reports about fatalities, it will make those children who have experienced loss already feel even more anxious,” she says. “And will possibly intensify their feelings of worry about their living relatives.”

Rather than just thinking about grief as something that impacts people who have physically lost someone, the experts say we need to broaden our thinking, and then our approach.

2. Initial communications with the family need to be honest and conducted by the right person

When the news of a family bereavement reaches the school, the family has already been processing the news themselves for a few days. In ordinary times, this news comes in due to explaining a child’s absence. However, with the current situation, it’s possible the information is only picked up in a wellbeing check call, or if the family gets in contact themselves.

Once the pastoral team receives this message, then contact should be made within 24 hours. 

For these phone calls, school staff should practise self-care, says Carole Henderson, managing director and senior trainer at Grief Recovery Method UK and a certified advanced grief recovery specialist. Anyone who may feel triggered by such a conversation should pass the job over to someone else.

So what should you say when you call home? Experts say your first question shouldn’t be “How are you?”.

“There needs to be an acknowledgement that the parent is grieving as well,” says Henderson. “‘How are you?’ Is actually quite an intrusive thing to say. Instead, you should ask, ‘How are things with you today?’ And then you need to stop talking, and allow them to answer.”

What needs to happen next is a listening exercise, says Henderson, where you’re looking to hear clues as to how that family is coping, and what support you need to provide. To get them to open up, try phrasing your questions with “I imagine…” rather than “You must be…” in order to elicit an honest response.

Once you’ve done the above, and only then, you can move the conversation on to the student, and their schoolwork.

“This should be an operation in teamwork with parents,” says Henderson.

“Collaborate with the parent for a plan for the individual child. There are no generalities.”

These phone calls will be tough. When you’re talking to someone who is grieving, that person is more likely to be sensitive, and it can be impossible to say the “right thing”, because that “right thing” doesn’t exist.

WATCH: Tes and Grief UK vodagogy webinar on supporting children with grief:

“Open the conversation about schoolwork by asking ‘How is Charlie?’ and then listen to what they have to say,” says Henderson. “And then change the topic by saying, ‘Now I have to ask about schoolwork.’”

Henderson says that by phrasing it in this way you do two things: firstly, you acknowledge that yes, there is a reason behind the call and you do have a job to do, but secondly, you’re acknowledging with the “have to ask” that there are bigger things going on, and showing the parent that you acknowledge the topic might be unwelcome.

Whatever the response - whether they say school work is being left to one side for now, or tell you the child is racing through and asking for more - Henderson says you just have to work with the parent and make all your questions open-ended to allow them to ask for more, or ask for space.

“Sometimes you might have a conflict between the parent and the school where one thinks there is a need for routine and schoolwork, and the other doesn’t,” says Henderson. “You might have a parent thinking that having a routine is right at the moment, but the school feels that the child is struggling. In these situations you have to work in partnership with the parent to try and help that child and their individual circumstances.”

Dr Rina Bajaj, a counselling psychologist from the Anna Freud Centre, who trains school staff in supporting students with grief, says many children will find schoolwork a soothing presence. 

“Each child is different and will react to bereavement in different ways,” she says. “Some consistency and routine can be reassuring for children during uncertain times, as this can feel familiar.” 

Every time you speak to the family, there should be an invitation to speak to the child as well. And if this offer is declined, that in itself might not be a worrying sign. However, if you suspect something might be seriously wrong, now is not the time to push it with the parent. Instead, refer your concerns through to your designated safeguarding lead.
 

3. Make an agreed plan for contact

Every family needs their own contact plan for the school to follow. Rather than trying a one-size-fits-all approach, you’ll need to tailor it to meet the needs of that family and that individual child.

“Charley and Bobby might have both lost grandparents, but their experience of that will be totally different,” cautions Henderson.

Take the lead from the parent or carer, and negotiate with them on a plan for contact. 

“Don’t impose a schedule, instead make a suggestion by opening the discussion with a question like: ‘We want to be in regular contact, but we don’t want to overdo it. Does once a week sound enough for you?’ And then you’re putting an idea forward, but you’re not imposing it.”

Be prepared for it to change week by week, and Henderson says make it clear that all enquiries are coming from a caring place, where grief is being given the same respect that a broken back would elicit.

“Children can miss weeks of school and catch up,” Henderson says. “It isn’t the end of the world. If the child had a physical illness there would be no expectation for work to be chased. But grief does have physical manifestations, such as difficulty to concentrate and low mood, and this can make it hard for them to complete schoolwork.”
 

4. Don’t make assumptions

When adults are talking to young children about death, there is a risk children will be left feeling confused because of a lack of understanding of what death actually means. 

“Children try so often to pretend to be grown-up,” Stubbs says. “They will unconsciously feign understanding about death, but they just don’t have a grasp of it yet.” 

What kind of things should teachers watch out for when talking to children about death?

“Because children will have the language to describe death up to two years ahead of their understanding, they will often fool adults into thinking they understand more than they do,” Stubbs says. “A Reception age child might say: ‘Yes, I know mummy is dead, and she’s dead forever...but she will come back for my birthday?’” 

Every time we speak about death with younger children, it is essential we repeat what death means, and leave space for questions.

And yet, even when we try to be as clear as possible, we come up against a clash between what children are told at home and the biological explanation of death.

“If a child says, ‘My mum says death is when you become a star in the sky,’ then you can’t correct them,” says Henderson. “Instead you say, ‘That’s one way to put it.’”

The harder one is when a child asks: “What does it mean when you die?” Henderson says that in this circumstance you throw it back to them and ask them what they think it means (and this allows you to assess their understanding) and then you can give the biological definition. “The main point is you don’t argue. They’ll grow and change their perception as they get older,” she says.

One thing teachers can’t ignore is use of the expression “gone to sleep”. This can be very damaging, and needs to be corrected.

“This can cause all sorts of issues because children can be very literal. You don’t contradict their beliefs, but you have to question them and then say, ‘Death is when the body stops working, sometimes because they have been unwell, or because they’re very old.’”

5. Give children a range of options

Whether children are returning to school, or they are at home, Bajaj cautions schools against making any assumptions about what their students will require from them.

“It is important not to actively push children and young people into talking about how they are feeling,” she says. “Instead, [school staff should] let them know which support options are available to them and who they can speak to, should they need to.”

What schools need, according to Bajaj, is a curated list of support options for its students - and they need to make sure that on that list there is a range of choices that the child can choose to match their needs.

“By providing a choice this helps to normalise and destigmatise the process of speaking about emotions and feelings, and accessing support,” she says.

What sort of things could schools offer? 

Peer support 

“Many children and young people find it easier to talk to their peers first before they talk to others such as family members or professionals,” explains Bajaj.  

If a school wants to offer peer support, Bajaj says that first those peer supporters need to have training to fulfil the role. To find more about starting a peer support programme in your school, you can read this blog and case study here.

However, for bereaved children, peer support should not be their primary source of help. “Peer support could have a part to play in supporting pupils who are coming to terms with loss, but in the first instance it should be supportive adults,” she says. “Trusted friends and peers can help to boost the support around the child, and complement the other approaches.”

Drop-in services

While social distancing continues, face-to-face services are more difficult to access. However, a “virtual” drop-in service could be an online chat, such as offered by Winston’s Wish. 

Because the service is available at set times, children can use the chat service as often and for as long as they need. There isn’t the pressure of an appointment to keep to, or to stop talking when the appointment finishes.

It’s also important to note that these drop-in services aren’t just for children, and adults and teachers are able to use them, too. A physical in-person drop-in service will be available again once social distancing rules are relaxed. More details about these sorts of services can be found here.

Specialist counselling service

For some children, their grief might require more specialist support. In these cases you can direct the family towards this directory of services put together by the Child Bereavement Network. 

Cruse Bereavement Care also provides local support to families, and its directory of support can be found here.

Not all therapies offered to children will require them to sit down and talk. “Younger and SEN children may be supported to express their grief via creative means and perhaps play therapy. For teenagers, directing feelings through physical activity may be helpful,” suggests Bajaj.

6. Keep communication lines open with the rest of the community

“If a child loses a parent or sibling during lockdown, then schools should, with the permission of the family, communicate with the other children and families in the class that this loss has happened,” says Stubbs. 

Once the family have agreed with how they want the announcement worded, schools can share the news with their other families. Stubbs suggests it would be wise to include whether or not the family would be happy to be contacted, or whether all communication should come through the school. 

But death is a taboo subject for a reason: some people just don’t know what to say. Schools can help here by giving examples of messages that people might share. 

“You could say: ‘We remember when your grandmother came to watch you in the Christmas play, and how proud she was of you,’” she suggests. 

And it isn’t just the family who will need support. Friends of the child who has been bereaved may need support, too. “When supporting the friends of the bereaved child, you will need to reassure them what is OK to say, and remind them that when people are grieving they might be more sensitive than normal,” says Stubbs.

It might be helpful to direct older children to read blogs like this about how to talk to your friends who are bereaved.
 

7. Recreate the community for the child

Cole suggests schools might be able to offer support in lockdown by recreating that feeling of community that existed in school while the children are learning at home. 

“If they know a child or family might be struggling then a buddy system can be put in place for kids who are anxious,” she says. 

Whilst on lockdown, communication between children has lost all its regular structure. A buddy system, where one adult is selected to support the child who is struggling, can be reassuring for the grieving child. This doesn’t have to be someone who teaches the child, says Cole.

“The buddy could be a teacher, or a teaching assistant, or even a member of the school staff admin team who felt able,” she says. 

When trying to recreate that community feeling, schools must be mindful that the level of contact between the school and the family needs to balance the needs of the family, and the responsibilities of the school. What you don’t want to do is overwhelm the family.

“Keep the family contact to two or three people maximum,” says Stubbs. And make it clear who the family can call if they want help.

Bajaj also suggests that surprise calls could do more harm than good. “If contacting the family by phone, it may be useful to have regular, prearranged calls so they are aware of the time that the school will call and are not caught off-guard,” she says.

8. Do not underestimate the return to school 

Henderson says a period of reconnection will be needed when schools return before support can be effective.

“Teachers will have to reform all relationships,” she says. “Children who haven’t had a good experience during lockdown may subconsciously feel angry and let down by school and their teachers. School is their constant and teachers haven’t been there - that’s tough. Relationships and trust will need to be re-established.”

9. Address difficult issues 

There will potentially be groups of children who have never had the chance to say goodbye. What do we do for those students?

“An exercise to acknowledge and address this will be invaluable,” Henderson suggests. “You could ask the children to write a card or do a drawing for someone they didn’t get to say goodbye to before school stopped. Then, have a box they can all drop their item into while saying ‘goodbye’ out loud. When everyone has had their turn, put the lid on the box to signal the end and ask everyone to say goodbye to the box, and take it away.”

These kinds of activities can help students to feel like there is a definitive end to one period, and a beginning of another.

10. Don’t fear talking about death

But can talking about death ever hurt a child? Bajaj suggests any school staff who fear distressing their students further by allowing them to talk about their grief should not worry. 

“Often, there can be an anxiety around saying or doing the ‘wrong thing’. [However] it is unlikely that offering a safe and contained space for children and young people to express how they are feeling will make things worse.”

However, this isn’t to say that teachers need to be the ones to try out their armchair psychology. 

“Talking therapies should be left to the therapists. Teachers are educators, not therapists,” Henderson says. “It is important to acknowledge feelings, not dismiss them, nor analyse, nor fix.  Equally, it is important not to plant an idea of a problem where it didn’t exist.” 

What we should be doing, say the experts, is preparing our staff to help to spot students who need help, and educating staff as to what help is out there.

11. Acknowledge it isn’t easy

A problem as complicated as this can’t have easy answers. However, there are four key principles that Bajaj says all school leaders need to keep in mind: observe and respond; remain curious and empathetic; get the help you need before helping others; and support the wider school community.

If school leaders can get these four things right, we might be able to navigate this challenging last piece of the pandemic successfully.

What help is there for staff training?

• Grief UK webinar and the course ‘When children grieve’ from The Grief Recovery Method.
• Anna Freud has this helpful page.
• Anna Freud has a ‘Schools in Mind’ network where school staff can find and share resources, research and training. There are fortnightly coronavirus booklets and our Facebook live Q&As. You can sign up here.
• Fountain Centre
• Winston’s Wish
• Childhood Bereavement Network