“Miss, can I talk? I am really worried about my friend Becca. She messaged me again loads last night. Her last message at 11pm said something about how she doesn’t see the point in life. Then the messages stopped. I couldn’t sleep, so I ended up waking up Mum, who phoned Becca’s mum to check Becca was OK. She was, but now she is in a mood with me. I really want to be her friend and help but I am always mucking it up.
“The school nurse told Becca to stop offloading onto me as it’s not fair - that she should speak to the counsellor instead. Everyone says that she is doing it for attention, but I don’t think so. I think she just needs help. Can you help her?”
What do you do when a pupil approaches you like this, asking for help for a friend? It is such a tricky issue for safeguarding professionals, especially because much of what you are discussing is confidential.
Safeguarding ‘cry for help’
A couple of weeks ago I read a great column by Keziah Featherstone. Writing for Tes, she gave excellent advice to teachers who might hear a “cry for help” from a pupil outside of school hours.
However, the chances are that the first people these pupils will turn to will be friends their own age. Friends will be the ones they text in the middle of the night. Friends will be the ones who know about the cuts or the abusive relationships. Friends will notice the pro-anorexia Instagram groups that a pupil is following. Friends will pick up on the signs and symptoms of poor mental wellbeing, because more and more schools are raising awareness in PSHE lessons. And it is likely that friends, in trying to be loyal and supportive will attempt to carry this burden all on their own.
We need to look after the wellbeing of all pupils and be aware of the strains of trying to support a friend. This is where having a team of designated safeguarding people is useful. Allocate each child with a DSP and focus on their needs. The DSP team can then have meetings to look at the bigger picture and discuss how to help everyone.
And for those pupils who approach you directly about a friend, here are some tips on how to respond:
- Listen
- Don’t judge them, even when they are being very honest about how their friend is making them feel
- Remember, you are speaking to a young person and not an adult, so they will need support
- Remove any guilt that the pupil might be feeling for either “telling on” their friend, or anger they might be feeling for their friend’s emotional offload
- Remind them that their friend’s actions are not their responsibility
- Give them permission to offload and to encourage them to be honest with their friend about how they are feeling
- Explain that the school is here to support them, no matter what
Ceri Stokes is assistant head (DSL) at Kimbolton School in Cambridgeshire. She tweets @CeriStokes
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