We’re coming to the end of the strangest, most tiring term I’ve ever experienced. Yes, I know - chronic drama queens that we are - that’s every term.
Still, even the most gruelling December with an Ofsted inspection coinciding with Ye Olde Chrystmasse Fayre, three members of the pastoral team on maternity leave and 76 mock scripts to mark by January look like an Inset day in a marquee with a celebrity speaker and a finger-food buffet compared with the term we’ve just had.
What next? Well, for a start, we’re going to have to up our game as far as hygiene is concerned. Cleanliness has never been much of a priority in our profession, as one glance at any staffroom sink will prove.
Take my simple quiz below to determine how hygienic you are.
Let’s begin with your personal routine.
How do you start your morning?
A: A brisk once over with a sponge: pits, tits, naughty bits, a quick sniff of yesterday’s leggings and I’m away. If I’m late, I brush my teeth in the car.
B: I have a shower every morning, and I change my shirt and wash my hair at least every other day.
C: Shower, hairwash, nail scrub, face cleanse, moisturise, a 17-step teeth cleaning procedure and a full set of clean clothes every morning. I save the bath - a scented soak - for night time.
What’s your attitude to housework?
A: Sorry…house what?
B: I run the hoover over the living room a couple of times a week, and give the house a good scouring every Sunday morning.
C: I have a schedule, according to which every aspect of my home is thoroughly cleansed at least twice a week, and the kitchen and the bathroom are done daily. You could eat your dinner off my floor. You could even - should you be so bizarrely inclined - eat your dinner out of my toilet, but you’d be unlikely to be invited back again.
Do you own any cleaning appliances?
A: There’s an old hoover in the cupboard under the stairs - it was there when I moved in - but I’m not sure if it works.
B: I love my Dustbuster; I use it to suck up the dog hair from down the side of the sofa.
C: I own the full product range of a well-known brand of cordless German cleaning machines, an upstairs steam mop, a downstairs steam mop, a vacuum cleaner to clean the inside of the vacuum cleaner and an extendable crevice tool.
OK - crunch time - how clean is your classroom?
A: Apart from the fungus in the mugs on my window sill - crikey, I must sort them out before the end of term - it’s not too bad.
B: Pretty good. I make sure my students respect their environment, and we have a few minutes to tidy up and the end of each lesson.
C: I have a set of wipes in my second drawer down: one for surfaces, one for keyboards, one for door handles (because if you’re going to pick up an infection, that’s where it will be lurking), one for the bookcases and one to spot clean anywhere I might accidentally have brushed up against another person during the course of the day.
A: When I was an NQT, I was awarded a medal for going an entire year without washing out my mug. It was hilarious: by the summer it had more rings than Zsa Zsa Gabor. And I had a stirring pencil instead of a spoon.
B: There have been no complaints. I keep my lunch fragrant and rinse out my Tupperware as soon as it’s used.
C: Fortunately for my colleagues and their health and safety, I run the washing-up rota and inspect surfaces closely. Shortcomings are noted, passed on to SLT and feedback is given during departmental briefings. Every Wednesday and Friday I take the tea towels home and boil them in bleach.
How have you coped with Covid?
A: It hasn’t made much difference to me. Obviously, I cough into my elbow and wear a mask on the bus, but not much else has changed.
B: I like to think I’ve done my bit. We stayed at home for the first weeks, and we maintain social distancing. I wash my hands much more than I did; I’m not keen on wearing a mask, but if that’s what we have to do - fair enough.
C: I’ve been in my element. My stockpile of masks, sanitiser and latex gloves - not to mention attention to detail - has come in very useful. I leave deliveries for 24 hours, then wipe them down with disinfectant before use, and I have a small trough of anti-bacterial solution on the doorstep to cleanse footwear on the way in and out of my house.
Now add up your score
Mostly As
Oh dear. You are - and I’m sorry to have to say this - quite grubby. Please acquaint yourself with your school’s policy on sanitisation well before September.
Over the summer, devise a better series of routines for yourself, your personal effects and your clothing: it’s important to keep yourself and others around you safe. And for heaven’s sake, buy more leggings.
Mostly Bs
You sound like a sensible person. However, your approach needs to be more systematic. Remind yourself of handwashing procedures - remember the backs of your hands and your wrists - wipe down surfaces and, if there’s a policy on masks, stick to it.
Mostly Cs
Babe, your hour has come at last. Your SLT will welcome your services as some sort of health and safety official. Offer to run a Clean Like a Champion CPD session for staff and take the likes of A under your wing (metaphorically, of course - in reality you need to keep them at least two metres away from you, and preferably downwind); they’ll benefit from your wise advice.
PS: When all this is over, can I come round and have a go with your steam mops? They sound great.
Sarah Ledger has been teaching English for 33 years
