The school uniform debate has been raging in staffrooms - and now political party conferences - for a long time. Quite frankly, I couldn’t give a flying monkey about what the students have to wear. My question is: why do I have to wear a tie? 

That’s right. Why do I, as an English teacher, have to tie an utterly ridiculous piece of useless fabric around my neck with a variety of stupid knots, in order to be taken seriously? 

Think for a moment what a tie actually is. Aside from being the most blatant phallic symbol you’ll find in the world of fashion, it also serves no purpose whatsoever. It doesn’t keep you warm in the winter, it doesn’t keep you cool in the summer, and it doesn’t cover up any part of your body that you might want to cover. 

All it does is just sort of hang under your chin, dangling inconveniently in the wind and collecting the bacteria that shoots out of your nose every time you sneeze.

A symbol of elitism 

Imagine I told you that, in 2019, there was an item of clothing which people were forced to wear based on their assigned sex at birth. Well, there is: it’s called a tie. 

The tie is a symbol of elitism, a symbol of sexism, and a symbol that embraces outdated assumptions which contradict the modern values we claim to promote in schools. Yet male teachers are still expected to wear them. 

So, why are we expected to wear ties? The answer, of course, is a redundant one, which harks back to a bygone era, in which class, gender and status mattered more than they ever should have done. The simple answer is that they define our status as being higher than the scruffy non-educated delinquents and the unwashed masses. They make us look smart, they make us look cultured and they make us look better than the poor people who don’t wear ties - they reflect our respectable social standing. 

I was once told by a misguided head of department in a suit that was clearly too large for him that I didn’t look smart because I wasn’t wearing a tie. There I was, in professional businesswear. I was wearing a crisp, freshly ironed shirt with the top button fashionably undone - the way all the trendy CEOs of today like to do it. I was reminded of a famous line by the non-tie-wearing (therefore not smart) Cicero, who said: esse quam videri (to be rather than to seem). 

Less smart

It got me thinking: perhaps I am less smart because I am not wearing a tie. Perhaps my spelling is worse. Perhaps I am less able to properly teach Shakespeare’s use of iambic pentameter. Could it be that my IQ is measurably lower when I wear a slanted schoolboy knot, rather than a half-Windsor? 

The logical argument in the past would have been: if you dress in a certain way, you belong to a higher social class. If you belong to a higher social class, you are probably more educated, ergo “smarter”. Therefore we can conclude that, if you dress a certain way you are “smart”. 

In an age of social mobility, where we acknowledge that brains and intelligence have little to do with socioeconomic background, we should stop saying that people look “smart”. Esse quam videri. 

Another argument I’ve heard in favour of ties is that students will show you more respect if you wear a tie. My apologies to all of my female colleagues, who lose out on this respect because society doesn’t encourage (read: force) you to wear ties. It is arguable that, as a society, we do condition children to show more respect towards people who wear ties. However, by wearing ties to gain authority or respect, are we not just playing a part in propagating the socially damaging stereotypes which we should be teaching children to break? 

I don’t want my students to respect me because I wear a tie. I want them to respect me because I am an awesome teacher, because I inspire them, because I show them that their worth is not defined by what they wear or how others choose to judge them. 

Clashing with modern values

Working in the City, I met a whole variety of successful people, men and women. Most of them didn’t wear ties. In fact, in the real world, the people who wear ties tend to be men who are told they have to. Men who optionally wear ties tend to be the ones who are trying desperately to look more important than they are. 

If you look closely enough, I suppose most things can be seen as symbolic of something that clashes with modern values. But the tie is probably the most symbolic, the most gendered, and the most potent example, and thus should be the focus of our current attentions. 

I am not necessarily advocating that ties should be banned, but that perhaps that they shouldn’t be forced - especially knowing what we do about them. If someone chooses to wear a tie, let it be done so optionally, like wearing a cap that says, “Make America Great Again”. 

Lecturing students about equality and social mobility while wearing a tie is a bit like trying to convince someone to become vegan while munching on a beefburger. The theory might be there, but the lack of practice is a harrowing hypocrisy. 

But perhaps I am wrong, and everything I have just written is absolute garbage. If so, it might well be because I am not wearing my tie… 

Guy Doza works as a professional speechwriter in Cambridge. Before training as a teacher, he wrote for politicians, scientists, business leaders and CEOs