a Damn right they do

b No, I haven’t got the key

c But hobbles are the coming thing, Dear

d You’re not supposed to use it as a sling

2 Enid Blyton’s books are being adapted to modern times. What will be next?

a Five Get Asbos

b Vertically Challenged Women

c Orlando Gets Neutered

d Charlie and the Healthy Alternative Factory

3 An expert says science should be fun. What does Noddy say?

a I’m going to experiment with Dinah Doll

b Let’s see what happens when I slam on the brakes at 80

c Hey, Well-Endowed Ears, go and jump off the roof with Mr Jumbo and we’ll see who lands first

d I rubbed The Skittles together, and now I’m nice and warm

4 Churches were luring parishioners by showing the World Cup. What do they use now?

a Crucified effigies of Sven-Goran Eriksson

b Threats of eternal damnation

c Free bread and wine

d Nothing very much

5 British sportsmen have now lost absolutely everything. What do teachers say?

a I blame the uniforms

b If they all jumped off the roof together, none of them would land first

c Remember Orlando

d At least we’ve still got The TES

Answers under the crossword

Quiz answers: 1a, 2c, 3a, 4b, 5d