Where do you even start?

The child may not want to talk about it in school. That’s their escape, you can see the “please don’t“ look on their face when you try to catch them at the end of the lesson. 

They are just about holding it all together and being strong and brave. They think they don’t need to cry. Just be strong and everything will be ok.  

Read more: Wellbeing: Mental health is a family affair

From the magazine: Why we must do more to prevent suicide in schools

Listen: Why we’re doing too much, too young in education

No point talking about it anyway, won’t change anything. They have done enough talking at home. Or someone has talked to them. 

They can feel out of control, confused, because those people who talked, didn’t really explain what they needed to. 

A quiet chat

But of course, there is that PSHE lesson that they are about to go to, that touches on Mental health. God, they think, “I can’t get away from it”. You can imagine all this going on and maybe start to second guess your instinct to have a quiet chat, to show you are there for them.

But sometimes that quiet chat, even if they give the impression that they don’t want to, can make all the difference. You don’t have to go into a lot of detail - just make sure they are aware that you are there for them and can help. That might be all they need.  

It may even be the case you can let them know what is coming up in a forthcoming PSHE lesson. A heads up can make all of the difference for some students and perhaps gives them a chance to prepare their armour. 

Was it me?

Then there is the hurt and some of the disgust with how they are feeling. They think they must be one of the reasons that drove (a word one student used) their parent to this situation - that they are so bad and so much trouble. 

One student told me they mentioned this to another family member and was told to shut up and that if they continue talking like this then they will make the suicidal parent feel guilty and this will make it worse.

Another told me they hated themselves because one of the first thoughts that came to their head was that their parent obviously didn’t love them enough. 

But then even more doubt creeps into their head, “Am I just like them? Will I do the same?... Grandma always said I was exactly like them.” 

Or one of the many discussions I have with students goes over the topic of why they couldn’t have spotted it or prevented it. This is the toughest. What can you say? 

Your reaction is to say, ‘I am sure this isn’t the case’, and you know that what they are thinking is perfectly normal. 

It is still hard though, and I often hear my inner voice questioning if I, as “just a teacher “ may be saying the wrong thing. 

There are resources that can help in such situations though to give you more reassurance on how best to help - from websites such as Mind, Young Minds and Staying Safe. 

Friendship impact

Sometimes the issue can affect friendships too, and that is another time when teachers may be able to help.

Sometimes, for example, they may have some close friends they have told a little bit too, but then as is normal with friendships, there is a fall out over something small and unrelated, but this now also feels like a huge issue. 

Again, this is where having had a quiet chat and letting them know you can help can be beneficial, helping handle these incidents.

It’s also worth considering how the close friends are actually feeling. They may need support too and having a member of staff they can talk to can help smooth out these odd friendship arguments, played out against the backdrop of something much deeper and more complicated, could also be helpful for all concerned.

Time, patience, a safe space

Caroline Flack recent death raised lots of interesting debate. Many people question how students can get upset about her death, when they don’t really know her. 

But there can be no denying that the topic could be triggering, reminding students of some of their own thoughts or incidents in their own life. There is also the fact that many students identified with her.

Obviously everyone is different, and there are some students who come in and tell anyone who wants to know and have no doubt or worries. But I think that being aware that everyone is different is the key.  

Trauma and grief as we all know can hit you like a tonne of bricks, but can sneak up when you least expect it. It’s often something I wonder if we have enough training for in schools. 

Time and patience and a safe space has to be what schools offer.