You really don’t like the way that Mark speaks to the kids in his class. You also don’t like the way he speaks to fellow members of staff. He’s patronising and, at times, he is downright rude. But how do you tell Mark this? You may be his superior, but he’s got decades of experience and is set in his ways. You just know that he will kick up a stink and mentioning his failings might be more effort than it’s worth. You want a productive response, but how do you make sure that happens?

Delivering criticism is never easy. However, it’s vitally important as a leader that you bite the bullet and inform people of their shortcomings and where there is room for improvement. So, how do you do this without creating an even bigger problem?

1. Avoid the ‘fool’s choice’

Joseph Grenny, co-author of Crucial Conversations, says the “fool’s choice” is when people assume that they can be either honest or respectful but not both. As a result, they tend not to act at all.

“They bottle up the concern,” says Grenny. But that concern about the individual then manifests in other ways. “They end up stewing, gossiping or getting even,” he says.

“Don’t make this mistake,” he urges. “Let go of either/or thinking.”

You can, he stresses, be both honest about a concern and express that with respect.

2. Find a private place

Leaders should look to “coach in private and praise in public” and avoid delivering criticism in a group setting, according to Joyel Crawford, leadership development consultant at Crawford Leadership Strategies.

She suggests hosting a feedback session in a private office or a neutral location on site. And also asking for help. “It helps to reach out to your headteacher and human resources [department] to discuss [what you are going to say], get feedback and maybe role play if you need to practise before having the actual feedback session,” she argues.

It’s also helpful for the receiver of the feedback to get a heads-up on when the meeting will take place and what will be covered. And if you need to review performance data with the member of staff, then you need to bring relevant reports to the meeting, advises Crawford.

“Having these talking points is handy when documenting the conversation, too, because you can simply cut and paste this discussion into an email so both of you have a record of what was discussed and committed to during the meeting,” she says.

3. Start with safety

Pointing out someone else’s shortcomings isn’t an easy thing to do, but Grenny says it is possible to do it without “rupturing the relationship”, if you make your colleague feel safe. “People feel psychologically safe when they know you respect them and care about their interests. You might say, ‘I have a concern I’d like to discuss and I believe resolving it will help me work more effectively. May I discuss it with you?’”

He adds that you should also put facts first. “Don’t start with your harsh judgments or vague conclusions, like ‘I don’t trust you’ or ‘you’re a control freak’. Instead, start with the facts. Strip out any judgemental or provocative language and be specific.”

4. Hold the right conversation

People often fail to raise their true concern when providing difficult feedback, according to Grenny. “They may dance around the issue or sandwich feedback between insincere compliments. Instead, stick to the issue. If your primary concern is that your colleague doesn’t respect you, for example, discuss it directly,” he says.

5. Build bridges, don’t burn them

Crawford says feedback is a gift. “You can take it, use it or throw it away but, at its essence, feedback is data to help you grow and develop,” she explains.

“I coach my leadership development clients to remember to set the intention as collaboration and support. This way, you’re working together to help him or her develop and perform at their best.”

She adds that it’s helpful to remember that the conversation is supposed to be “constructive not destructive in nature”.

6. Document and follow up

These are two things that Crawford says seldom happen after people deliver feedback. Her maxim is “document, document, document”. She says the meeting leader should take notes of the time, date and any observations and commitments that were made during the meeting.

“Document consistently,” advises Crawford. “Don’t just document the tough conversations - document all conversations. And document during and immediately after the discussion. Commit to following up and checking in with your employee; see how they’re doing. Are there any things that need a deeper discussion? Have things improved? Discuss that and celebrate the small wins. This continues the intention of collaboration and support.”

Simon Creasey is a freelance journalist. This article originally appeared in the 11 October 2019 issue under the headline “How to deliver criticism without making it worse”