Supporting a student through the loss of a loved one is a huge challenge. So how should schools approach it?
Here, two teachers and a senior leader at Child Bereavement UK, a national grief charity, share their advice on what staff can do to help children in this situation.
‘Let the family lead the way’
Jamie Shields is an assistant headteacher, responsible for pastoral and safeguarding, and he says:
Even if you know a student well, their response to tragedy might not follow their usual behaviour traits. Some may retreat from school life, while others may be in denial and carry on as normal. The approach to supporting students, then, must be about individual needs. There are, however, some things that should apply to all cases.
A grieving family should not be bombarded by calls from different teachers, no matter how kind their intentions are. Having one key contact makes things much easier: this could be the designated safeguarding lead to begin with, as conversations will be incredibly sensitive. As time progresses, and emotions settle, a form tutor could take over.
Once the student returns to school after compassionate leave, keep in contact with the family. They may put on a brave face at school, but it is important to keep up with their reality at home. Keep it regular but not overbearing. This is tricky, so my advice is to diarise contact: start weekly, then decrease over time.
In situations like this, the family knows their child best; provide options for the family of what can be offered in school, but let them make the choices.
Routines are key, and while grieving students need time to be at home, this should not be too long, especially if school holidays are encroaching. Students need to return to school within a reasonable time, even if hours are adjusted or tailored to meet the need. The longer students are away from school, the harder it is for them to return.
And when you do see them in school, avoid asking: “are you OK?” We know they won’t be. Instead, ask, “have you settled back into school well?” as this leads nicely into, “you know I am here for you”, which is sometimes all a grieving person wants to hear.
‘Avoid euphemisms like “gone to sleep”’
Ellie Russell is the head of English at Lordswood Boys School in Birmingham, and she says:
When grieving, students can struggle to regulate and understand the feelings they have, especially if these are rooted in unfounded feelings of guilt, self-reproach and shame.
They will feel sadness and longing, experience vivid memories and may have physical pains like tummy aches and headaches. It is incredibly important to give students time and to guide them to realise that, however sad they feel, they aren’t to blame.
In the classroom, children need age-appropriate information and conversations around death with clear language. Euphemisms like “gone to sleep” need to be avoided, as do phrases like “they aren’t coming back”, as this implies there was an element of choice.
When it comes to young children, start by assessing their understanding of death, listen and watch carefully how they conduct themselves in conversations about death and be open to addressing their fears and anxieties without perpetuating misconceptions.
It’s completely normal to feel overwhelmed by grief, and we need to ensure children know this. When it happens, model how to ground yourself: share your own stories of grief, while still validating the pupil’s individual feelings.
At the same time, make sure children have the opportunity to remember those they’ve lost: talk to them about their favourite memories, places, sounds. “What was your favourite thing about them?” is a really nice question that allows them to feel like they can keep talking about their loss and keep associations with positive feelings linked to their loved one.
‘Children need people who care’
Tracey Boseley is the head of development, education, at Child Bereavement UK, and she says:
Most grieving children do not need a “bereavement expert”: they need people who care. Schools, just by carrying on with their usual day-to-day activities while being aware of the bereavement, can do a huge amount to support a grieving pupil.
Every school should have a school bereavement policy that provides information and guidance for a school community managing the death of a pupil or member of staff. This will help staff to feel prepared when supporting a bereaved pupil or colleague.
As well as this policy, professional development around bereavement can empower professionals to create a supportive, safe environment for pupils and staff. Here, I’d recommend “Supporting a Bereaved Pupil”, a free-to-access training tool developed for staff in schools in partnership with London Grid for Learning. It will help them develop understanding, skills and confidence to support pupils and their families when they experience a bereavement.
Ongoing conversations about death with all pupils can really help them to understand their feelings when they do lose a loved one. Here, the “Honest conversations” free-to-access training tool, again developed in partnership with London Grid for Learning, is great at giving staff the confidence to talk openly and honestly about death and grief with students to support their long-term wellbeing and management of grief throughout their lives.
Of course, when supporting bereaved pupils, professionals need to be aware of their own wellbeing. Colleagues working as a team can offer each other support and understanding, but there may be times when a member of staff needs to seek additional support.
Crucially, though, you don’t have to do it all yourself: we have a huge collection of free bereavement resources, books and information about support, which are useful for staff to refer to both when helping bereaved pupils and when working with bereaved families.
Child Bereavement UK’s website has a dedicated area for the education sector with a range of resources, information, and support for professionals. The Helpline 0800 02 888 40 and Live Chat are both available Monday to Friday 9am to 5pm
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