The Teachers’ Christmas Alphabet

• C is for the Christmas fair that keeps you after dark.
• H is for the half-term tests that you will have to mark.
• R is for your red nose as another cold appears.
• I is for the indoor play that drives a teacher close to tears.
• S is for the show that children must perform.
• T is for the time you’ll lose - rehearsals in the hall.
• M is for the meeting with the parent who complains.
• A is for the awful data you’ll have to explain.

• S is for the secret Santa you’ll have to sit through.
  
  And then, when it’s done, there’s the drunken Christmas do.

Here are my teacher versions of much-loved festive songs...

Merry Christmas, Everyone

Rain is falling, all around me;
On the playground, there’s no sun.
It’s the season
For indoor breaks and wet play.
Merry Christmas, everyone.

Time for parties, and celebrations;
In your classroom,
Christmas tunes.
A Chocolate Orange - The best that you can hope for.
As they pop yet more balloons.

We’re gonna have staff meeting till five,
And we’ll hear from the head
The data news, the test results,
Who gets the next “deep dive”.

Carol concerts,
Christmas jumpers
And the infant
Nativity.
Oh, I wish that
We could just reach Christmas.
This term will be the end of me.

Mistletoe and Wine

December begins, the carollers sing
And teachers face the final innings.
Dreams of Santa, dreams of snow:
Daydream through the long Christmas show. It’s…

Christmas time, mistletoe and wine
Wait for me once we’re over the line.
With cards still to write yet and gifts still to buy,
Here’s hoping that these weeks now fly by.

A time for singing, a time now for parties,
A time for mince pies and big tubes of Smarties.
Joy and laughter fill rooms to the rafters,
But then for the cleaners, it’s clearing up after.

Christmas time, Baileys and wine,
A Christmas cake that tastes so divine,
The half-tub of Heroes, spread out on the floor - 
I’ll start the new term weighing several pounds more.
 

All I want for Christmas

I don’t want a lot for Christmas - 
There is just one thing I need.
Don’t care about the presents
Underneath the Christmas tree.
All I want this Christmas time - 
Apart from one more glass of wine - 
This gift is oh, so cheap:
All I want for Christmas is sleep.

I won’t ask for much this Christmas - 
I won’t even wish for snow.
I’m just gonna keep on waiting
With a glass of nice Bordeaux.

I won’t make a list and send it 
To the North Pole for Saint Nick.
I’ll just try to stay awake
To see the news at half-past six.

But I just want to sleep so tight
And not wake up throughout the night.
And in the afternoons…
All I’ll do at Christmas is snooze.
 

Auld Lang Syne

Let autumn’s data be forgot
And never brought to mind.
Next term we’ll take another shot - 
The PP won’t drop behind.

For auld lang syne, my friend.
For auld lang syne,
We’ll make the data look more green
To keep safe your job and mine

And surely you’ll move your scores up,
And surely, I’ll change mine.
We’ll make this data tell a tale
For the sake of auld lang syne.

For auld lang syne, my friend.
For auld lang syne,
We’ll play this game until we win
By luck or by design.

Michael Tidd is headteacher at East Preston Junior School in West Sussex. He tweets @MichaelT1979