I was in sixth period when it happened, back when the coronavirus was just beginning to take over our lives. I couldn’t sit still, I was nervous, my leg was bouncing, I was shaking my hands. I felt like I was in a daze, almost a dream.

John Swinney had announced that exams would not be going ahead, and instead the Scottish Qualifications Authority (SQA) would create an alternative model. My heart fell from my throat to my stomach - his announcement confirmed so many fears I’d been ignoring for weeks.

I left that class in tears. I didn’t know what to do, think or feel. Schools closed the next day and the UK entered lockdown the following week.

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SQA results day 2020: What you need to know

Tuesday will be my first results day, and it will be one to remember. The first time ever that Scottish exams have been cancelled, and it fell on my year.

I had begun S4 incredibly excited. I had tonnes of highlighters, I had all my textbooks, my desk was set up and I was ready to work hard. I knew the year would have its ups and downs, but I was prepared to study and get the best grades I could.

I missed a lot of classes throughout the year, more than half of them. I’ve missed an unusual amount of school since S1 when I developed chronic fatigue syndrome (CFS), which causes extreme tiredness and exhaustion. I had to learn to work at home to catch up on schoolwork; I focused entirely on the end goal so I wouldn’t overwork myself. I understood that it’s better to fall behind sometimes, then make it up for the final exam rather than exhaust myself for months. I missed multiple tests but ultimately it was May that mattered, I just had to know the content then. Well, that changed in a way nobody could have predicted. 

As a disabled pupil, this has been particularly hard, as I have much less evidence than my classmates. In history, for example, my only evidence is from the prelim. I missed some tests and I had my English prelim the day before. That prelim was not a true representation of what I can do, but my grade will be based entirely on it. Had there been an equality impact assessment, I would be slightly more confident that it would be as accessible as possible, but the SQA has not carried out one on their new process. They won’t even release their methods until results day, despite being asked to by the Scottish Parliament. 

Aside from the evidence issues, there is a massive cause for concern surrounding what happens after the estimated results are sent in. The SQA has stated it will be changing grades, possibly even lowering them to fit with previous results from that school. This is incredibly unfair, particularly on schools in poorer areas that have worked hard to increase exam results over the years, minimising the attainment gap. Last year, my school had its best Highers results ever, but if the average of previous grades is lower than that, it doesn’t matter if my year could have achieved the same. 

I have no idea what I will get in these exams that I didn’t sit. In most subjects, it could be anywhere from an F to an A. I have no idea what I will do if I don’t meet the requirements I need to follow the path I’ve chosen in life. I’ve been struggling not to think about results for a few weeks now, even though normally I’m good at controlling my worries. This is different. It could go terribly, and young people across the country will feel cheated, furious and upset. It may go well, with most people achieving the results they want and need.

But in an exam system that relies on a certain number of people failing, not everybody will be happy or get what they deserve. These results will always lead back to the same question: what would I have got if I took the final exam? 

Dylan Hamilton is an S5 school student at St Kentigern’s Academy in West Lothian

*Tes Scotland will be live blogging throughout SQA results day 2020, on Tuesday 4 August. To find our coverage go to the Scotland hub of the Tes website.