As we grind through the last few gruelling days of the most difficult school year in living memory, it’s time for teachers to put a bit of directed time into planning a final week of lessons that will ensure you receive some well-deserved, high-quality and (crucially) really wanted end-of-term gifts from your pupils. 

And if you don’t plan these with the same care and attention you give to your usual lessons, you’ll just end up with a random collection of unwanted objects: a furry gonk that looks like Michael Gove or a seventh giant mug that says “World’s Best Teacher”, or an acrid-smelling scented candle that reminds you that you’ve been burning it at both ends all year.

So, although you’re unlikely to get your home redecorated or a huge payout from a dodgy contract like some public servants, here are some top tips for up-levelling those mystery packages that will be presented to you next week with an embarrassed grin from your beloved charges.

How teachers can encourage pupils to buy them better end-of-term gifts

1. Planning for gifts of alcohol

In science, teach a lesson about having a healthy diet over the summer holidays and the importance of eating fruit.

A simple brainstorm should introduce grapes. The follow-up question, “Who can tell me what else you can make with them?” can lead seamlessly into an “off-the-cuff” previously prepared PowerPoint on wine production. 

Be mindful of stressing how much you like red, rosé or white at this point, along with the country of origin and year of production as an extension challenge for the more able.

In RE, remind the class of the Bible story where Jesus turns water into wine. Point out that, if there was just one miracle you could perform (besides keeping your head above water this year), you would love to be able to perform this one. Then lead into the “off-the-cuff” PowerPoint, as above.

If you prefer spirits, teach a geography lesson on the features and economic activity of Scotland (whisky), Russia (vodka) or Essex (Jagerbombs).

2. Planning for foodie gifts

In English, use Charlie and the Chocolate Factory as your class book, adding in lots of commentary about how you wish you were Willy Wonka. Tell the children that you have a recurring dream about being the owner of the Lindt factory in Switzerland. Be sure to show the Lindt TV advert featuring that highly unlikely-looking master chocolatier. 

In art and design, ask the children to make posters advertising their favourite item of confectionery. Use Google images to show examples of your own personal preferences and where to buy them. 

In history, revisit the Aztecs and explain how they turned the cacao bean into chocolate, dropping hints as you describe the process. 

In PSHE, have circle time celebrating inspirational people you know, dropping in the words “Heroes” and “Celebrations” as much as possible.

If you are a caffeine addict and are looking for gifts in that area, makes sure to make a big deal of this when you take your coffee out on break duty. For pod users, be really clear whether you are a Nespresso or a Dolce Gusto user.

For more exotic foodie gifts, revisit those cultural stereotypes in language lessons, highlighting exotic cheeses in French, chorizo in Spanish and bags of small oranges if teaching Mandarin. 

3. Planning for gift vouchers

In computing, give the children virtual “gift cards” with a budget of £500, and get them to carry out a laptop investigation to see which 10 items they can buy “a friend or relative” using the John Lewis website. 

Ask them to present their findings, Dragon’s Den-style, with you choosing the winner, taking on the role of John Lewis himself. Halfway through the lesson, show the John Lewis Christmas advert to reinforce the branding.   

4. Planning for other gift items

If you work really hard with your lesson planning, you can brainwash your class into working as a team for your end-of-term present.

I once had a colleague who dropped so many hints about what he really wanted as a gift that on the last day of the year he received a signed Leyton Orient football shirt, a crate of lager and a pair of size 11 Nike trainers. Now that’s what I call outstanding planning. 

You could try this with your favourite perfume or aftershave or that summer-holiday novel you’ve been meaning to buy.

For those of you who are really brazen, set up your own gift list and post it on to the pages of your online classroom. This will really help parents who don’t know what to get you. 

And, if you need to make up for the government not giving you a pay rise next year, consider setting up a JustGiving page with a photo of you looking sad. 

5. The greatest gift of all

Of course, the greatest gift that all of us in education will receive at the end of term is that this absolute bastard of a school year will finally come to an end. We should take that reward greedily with both hands, because we’ve all been one huge collective bumper box of absolute Heroes since September. 

Well done everyone for getting through it. Enjoy the most well-deserved summer holiday you’ll probably ever get.

Colin Dowland is a primary school headteacher in North London. He tweets as @colindowland