Last week brought the grimmest article I have ever written: 'Please help – the system is destroying me'. 

I do believe in looking at how desperate things can get and confronting uncomfortable realities for many young people. I also believe that there is always a way forward – I’m a stubborn optimist. But rather than trying to preach with a distance of 30 years, I gave the students in my research the chance to offer their tips. Most have just finished exams and are in Year 11 or Year 13. All who chose to respond are female (boys, you’re up next!). Names and other identifying features have been changed. I have to say that I am so impressed with the quality of their responses – I think many of us could learn from these young people. I am also deeply struck by how much overlap there is between the advice students would give one another and the advice offered on teacher wellbeing, from your best being ‘good enough’ to keeping perspective to sucking up the rubbish sometimes.

Helena is in Year 13 and has just finished her A Levels. Lara, Poppy, Ria and Anna-Beth have just finished their GCSEs. Elena is in Year 9 and has just finished her exams – and is very relieved. They all responded to the question: what tips do you have for other students on how to thrive at school?

Stop comparing yourself to others

"The most important thing I find is to never, ever compare yourself to others," says Helena. "I know this is said all the time, and I know it's easier said than done. We are all different people that learn in different ways, and the student that does five hours of revision can easily receive the same grade as a student that does 15 hours. It's all about how YOU work and what works best for you. Find your style of revision and if you don't know it, try a few types on some non-important tests to see what works best. In terms of not comparing yourself to others, if necessary unfollow them or politely mute them on social media if that's what it takes. And if you have a teacher that has a habit of asking everyone to read out scores in the front of the class, politely ask them to stop. No one needs to know your grade and you don't need to know theirs. This is YOUR education."

Nurture bonds

For Lara, knowing which teachers are prepared to go the extra mile is key: "I think that the most important thing to do is to create a web of connection between friends, older students and most importantly: teachers. The more you bond and chat with a teacher and get to know them, the more you become invested in each other and are willing to help one another."

Most of the students wrote about the importance of strong friendships, particularly in times of great pressure. For Elena, it’s about sticking around friends as much as possible, "so we can struggle together".

Perspective is all (don’t get too hung up on grades)

"Keep it in perspective," urges Helena. "All your teachers will say your exams matter. And they do – doing well will make your life a lot easier and give you more opportunities – but your life is not over if you struggle to pass them. There's always another chance, whether that be to re-sit or to explore different options for next level courses. I always try to think of the very worst-case scenario, and then plan that. You'll find the worst case isn't probably the worst case at all, just a little different to what you might have envisioned. If you really need perspective, watch a good documentary on wider world issues, or even just a nice nature programme, to remind yourself there is a life outside education!"

"Remember that your teachers really do care for you and want to support you," says Poppy. "For example, earlier on in the year, I went to see my English teacher at break and completely burst into tears in front of him. My point here is that the teachers are there to support you and you should tell them if something is wrong so that they can help you – they can’t read minds!"

Keep an eye on the big picture

"Know why you're there," says Helena. "At school, it's because you have to be. At college, you have a little more choice. But with both of them, you need to think about the bigger picture. What do you want to do and achieve in life, and how are you going to do it? More than likely, education will be needed to progress onto whatever your aspirations are, so choose to work not for your school and their results, not for your teachers, but for yourself and your own dreams. If you're not sure what those dreams are, try to think about what you definitely don't want to become, and work with that."

For Poppy, it’s about finding a goal to motivate her – in her case, it has always been getting into the University of  Cambridge. "Once you have a goal, you work towards it, you get better grades, and with that comes the confidence to be smart and flaunt it, to not let others belittle you for actually enjoying maths!"

Allow yourself time to relax

Ria states openly that she is someone who has struggled with the kinds of mental health issues referred to in last week’s piece. Clearly a young woman with great self-awareness, she writes of the need to consciously carve out time to relax.

"It’s very easy for me to feel crippled by pressure from school. But in order to thrive, I make sure to plan a day to relax. A day that’s solely meant for me only. And on that day, I take long baths, read books, apply face-masks, and just look after myself."

"Exam stress really gets to me, and I’m often left feeling like I have no one to talk to," admits Ria. "Recently, I’ve started writing in an online journal and using drawing as a form of self-expression. This has really helped me."

Most of the students wrote about how they use music or film or TV to wind down – or even spend whole days playing computer games. As long as they’re keeping things in a healthy balance, these are positive ways of winding down.

Believe in yourself, and do your best

For Anna-Beth, the most important thing is believing in yourself, because without that self-belief you won’t be able to push yourself to do the best you can do. Once you start believing in yourself, you are already halfway there: and the quicker you start believing that, the easier school and life, in general, will be. 

"All you can do is your best," Anna-Beth reminds others. "This is something I struggled with throughout my secondary school life. I have thought about my years at school and realised that your best is your best and no one can tell you any different."

Emma Kell is a secondary teacher in north-east London and author of How to Survive in Teaching.