I can’t quite work out what the point of the big Sunday announcement was.

Trailed all week, and then all we find out is that there’ll be some detail on Monday. But no doubt you, like me, have already been asked by a parent or friend about when schools are going back, as if you might have some inside knowledge.

No doubt there will more questions to come over the coming days, but the government - or at least, the prime minister - seem to have chosen not to provide us with any details.

Parents often find it hard to believe that schools are not privy to any more information than we’ve all been able to glean from the TV broadcasts, so instead I offer my own stock responses, designed to sound exactly like government guidance, with all the clarity that entails.

Will my child be able to come to school next week?

We are currently closed, although we are open for some pupils.

Children should not come to school unless they are eligible to come to school, in which case they should come only if they are unable to stay at home.

Please stay alert for any changes to these arrangements.

Will you be reopening after half term?

As we are currently at level 3 (or is it 4?) of the five-level threat alert thing - a sort of orangey-amber colour, anyway - we are currently not due to open after half term.

However, if we move to the yellowy bit then we will be open, except for those pupils in year groups to whom we are closed, unless they are already eligible to come in while we are open during the closure.

If you reopen to some year groups, how will you ensure social distancing?

We will only reopen schools when it is safe to do so, except for where they are all already open.

When pupils return, schools will make arrangements to follow social distancing wherever possible - for example, by setting up a constant handwashing rota.

This will help minimise the number of pupils in any classroom, as they will mostly be queueing for their sink slot outside the toilets.

Will I be able to send my child in Year 4 in if his Year 6 sister and Year 1 brother are in?

Now look, this is all very clear. Schools will remain closed until it is safe to open them, except for where they are already open for some pupils, and except for the fact that when they do open they will be safe for some pupils and not other pupils because, well, you know…So, no.

Unless you’re a key worker.

But the prime minister said we should go back to work, so I can’t leave my nine-year-old at home, can I?

Hmm. That’s a good point.

OK, so schools are closed until the holidays, during which they will be open.

After that they will be open, except for pupils to whom they are closed, unless those pupils are children of key workers, or are eligible for a space at the school, or if, you know, it’d be inconvenient. Don’t ask me.

We think it’s best that headteachers have that problem, I mean discretion, to make those judgements.

What about infant schools? Should we have two-thirds of children in school?

Good Lord, no, that would be madness. Only Reception and Year 1 pupils and, oh, yes…hmm…I rather see your point. Headteacher’s discretion on that one too, I think.

What about middle schools? Do they have to open for Year 6 pupils too?

Middle what? We still have those? Hmm…Headteacher’s discretion, anyone?

Michael Tidd is headteacher at East Preston Junior School, in West Sussex. He tweets @MichaelT1979