It has been a long week. And it has been a tough day: 9E last lesson on a Friday afternoon was as horrendous as it promised to be.
But it’s the weekend. It’s time to unwind. You’re on your way home and begin to relax, but then your work email pings.
Against your better judgement, you open it. The father of a girl in 9E has sent you a thunderous message, accusing you of picking on his daughter.
Sound familiar?
Accusations like this are, unfortunately, common. The first thing you should do is to consider if the claim has any merit. We all have blind spots and reflecting on your own behaviour is important.
When a parent accuses a teacher of picking on their child
But if you believe you have done nothing wrong? Here’s my hard-won advice born of experience.
1. Don’t scratch the itch of an instant reply
The oh-so-tempting response, especially if emboldened by a drink, is to fire back a reply in the same fire and brimstone tone as the one sent. Imagine the satisfaction!
However tempting, you must resist. Do not reply. Collect your thoughts, transcend the drama and wait.
If you feel a quick response is needed, do no more than send a holding email that says you have received the email and will reply in due course.
2. Do not try and tackle this problem alone
You have bought yourself time. But don’t use it by thinking up elaborate plans alone.
The relevant head of year is likely to have a broader picture of the child’s home life, which might help to inform your response - ask for their input. Your head of department and the child’s teacher from last year may also help to advise on the family dynamics.
With this information, compose an assertive, but non-confrontational, reply, set out your position and correct any misunderstanding.
The objective here is to defuse the situation and to relay the events as they actually occurred.
Email ping-pong can only exacerbate problems, so end with an offer of a telephone call or, better still, a meeting. To ward off festering bad feeling, expediency is key - so hold this meeting as soon as possible.
3. Never get into a room until you know how to get out of it
This advice holds true for parent meetings: be prepared and know your strategy in advance. You have sought advice from those who know the family, now it is time for a refresher on the school policies, particularly rewards and sanctions.
The last thing you want is to be caught off guard by a difficult question.
Make sure you have someone else in the room with you, preferably a senior colleague if you think the meeting could become heated.
Ensure you meet with this colleague before the meeting to discuss navigating the best possible outcome. You are now fully prepared and have support from an experienced colleague: the meeting can go ahead.
4. Be aware that parents will naturally feel uncomfortable about being summoned to school
Putting the parent at ease is a priority - allow them to air their grievances first.
The tension in the room will further lift when you show you care by reminding them that everyone wants the best for their child.
Even if the child has embroidered the truth, avoid saying they have lied. Defensive walls will be erected and the conversation will be swiftly closed down.
Regardless of the actuality, it is the child’s perception of events and the way in which they feel they have been treated that is important. Approaching the situation from this angle shows empathy and will lead to a much more fruitful conversation.
Be conciliatory, offer support and promise to remain in touch.
Following the meeting, ensure you accurately record the exchange; this could prove important further down the line for you and other colleagues.
5. Remember not to take your irritation out on the child
Always separate the behaviour from the child. This way you avoid escalating the problem and can focus on building positive relationships.
Andrew Copeman is assistant head of year at Latymer Upper School in West London. He tweets @ARCCopeman
