It’s day eighty-something of remote teaching and the longer it’s gone on, the more I’ve found my pupils adhering to certain learning styles that handily seem to fit the classic A-Z format.

So, without further ado, this is my A-Z of lockdown student learning styles:

Student A: The Achiever 

This student always did well in lessons - and now she’s smashing it out of the park online.

Could probably plan her own curriculum and deliver it to herself. Great, although it makes you feel a bit superfluous.

Student B: The Bare Minimum Boy

Trying to work out how little he can get away with doing without getting into trouble. It’s a fine art.

Student C: The Critical Thinker

Freed from the time constraints of lesson bells and the social constraints of her shyness, she’s come out of his shell and been producing some really engaged, impressive ideas.

Possibly getting more time to talk about things with the folks at home, too, now. Wonderful.

Student D: The Different Story

Seemed like such a hardworking student in lessons. CBA to do anything properly now.

Student E: The Excuse-Meister

When you were in school, his dog ate his homework.

Now he’s still doing nothing and you’ve emailed home three times, but he didn’t get it because the wi-fi was down and also the kitchen is flooded and he’s hurt his finger so he might have to catch up in the holidays, which he Definitely Will Do.

Student F: Fat chance of getting any work from this kid

A tragedy, because of all of them, he needs to do it the most.

Student G: Getting loads of help at home

She started the year in the Progress Group, now it’s full marks and perfect spelling every lesson. Progress!

Student H: The Hero

With no mates around to tease him for being a keeno, this pupil is doing every single thing you set each lesson and the extension tasks, too = Hero.

Student I: The Idler

Submits your own worksheets back to you, blank. Hopes you won’t notice.

Student J: The Jesters

You always knew they were clever, and sometimes their work in class was amazing, but now all the work seems a bit dry and they can’t get themselves going. You’re getting worried about them.

Student K: The Kick-start Kid

You had to kick ‘em. Now they’ve started, they’re bouncing quite happily through the course.

Student L: The Luddite

Undermines all stereotypes about children and computers. Gets exasperated with the IT all the time. Can’t save stuff, share stuff, print stuff, find stuff or open stuff without a full walk-through.

Student M: The Monosyllable Teen

He wouldn’t stop talking in class, and now it’s one-word answers all the way. Probably not allowed on his Xbox until he’s finished.

Student N: The Negotiator

Does half as much as you set, whether you’ve set a little or a lot each day, then waits to see if you’re going to ask for more. (Similar but subtly different tactics from the Bare Minimum Boy).

Student O: The Obvious Question Kid

Skips straight past the carefully worded instructions and starts asking you questions instead. “For this book review, do we have to read a book and review it?” etc.

Student P: The Philosopher

If you get the right answer but no one’s around to hear how clever you are, what was the point? With no one to show off to, Student P has lost all mojo.

Student Q: Quiet in class, but this new way is great 

They see that all the work is organised and they can just send a private message to the teacher if they need to ask something, so it’s not embarrassing. Absolutely thriving.

Student R: Risk-averse

Doesn’t want to chance getting anything wrong. In class he probably kept a close eye on what the pupil next to him was writing because he never asked you anything; now you get a list of questions every day because he’s stressing so much.

Student S: The Sponge

Clearly was absorbing a lot of cues from other students on what to do when in lessons, where everything seemed fine - goes off at mad tangents now that she can’t copy anyone.

Student T: The Team Player

In class she was competitive, collaborative, motivated by others. Clearly bored to tears now it’s just her.

Student U: Unexpectedly Diligent

He messed around every single lesson before lockdown, and now everything’s carefully done in full and in on time. Is it the lack of peer group distraction, or does he have uber homeschoolers for parents?

Student V: Vulnerable

Hasn’t engaged with any of the work. He did say he had a computer…you strongly suspect home isn’t the best environment. You’ve passed on his name for further intervention. You’re really hoping he’s OK.

Student W: Wellbeing Worry

This student is so anxious to get everything done properly that she’s agonising over everything and staying online working until 3am (burnout included).

Student X: The X-Files Child

Mulder and Scully themselves couldn’t work out the unexplained nature of this student’s thought processes. Some students add two and two and make five. They add two and two and make a window. Very hard to help.

Student Y: The Yes Man

Went along with what you asked as if butter wouldn’t melt when he was in the room with you. Now he’s in his own territory and you’re getting to see just how much he’s really bothered about your so-called core subject.

Student Z: Zero Problems

Genuinely interested in your subject; however it’s delivered is fine with them. Does the work you set thoroughly and likes to chat with you about it. Makes you feel that what you’re doing is all worthwhile.

Melissa Gadsden has been teaching English in Northamptonshire for 20 years