Fade in:

The scene: an office in Westminster.

“Right then, chaps, we need to sort out this plan for schools to reopen so we can jolly well get things moving again. So, I’ve invited a chap over from the schools’ department so we can get it all sorted.

“I’m hoping we can be done by 11, as I think Boris is going to open up the golf clubs next week and I’ve not polished my irons in ages. So, Jonny - what do you say?”

“Oh, it’s Jamie actually. Well, we certainly think it would be useful if schools started to plan for a staggered reopening at some point…”

“Right, so, what do you say, Monday? Wednesday?”

“Oh, no, well, it’s just, we have told schools that they’ll have three weeks’ notice”

“Three weeks? Good Lord, how hard is it to open a new pack of chalk and fill up a few ink wells? OK then, well, if the PM is making his speech on Sunday that takes us to…1 June. Jolly good. Well, that pretty much wraps things up here…”

“Sorry, I don’t think we’ll be able to have all the guidance written by Sunday. I think we’ll need more time than that.”

Coronavirus: A gradual school reopening?

“Well that’s fine, Jimmy, you’ve got three weeks. You get your girl over at the ministry to type it up by June the first and we’re all set. Now, Jaffers, how are you fixed for a quick 18 next Thursday?”

“No, no, we need a bit more planning than that. We can’t have all the schools opening at once. If we have millions of children all rushing back to school at once, it’s bound to see a spike in cases. We need some sort of gradual process.”

“Hmm, gradual, eh? Well, could we have the boys in on the first, and then the girls on the second? Oh, no, hang on… that won’t work at my son’s boarding school - they’re all lads there. OK, so what then, alphabetically or what?

“In the first case, we probably need to run classes of probably 10 or fewer.”

“Less.”

“You think below 10? That’s good to hear.”

“No I mean, I think you should say less, not fewer.”

“Oh...”

“Right, well, at the prep we were in classes of, what Jacob? Was it about 14? So let’s say half-classes, fair enough. Anything else?”

“Oh, sorry, no… half isn’t, well… anyway… there are a few options. Some people have argued for Year 6 pupils to be one of the first groups back in primary schools so that they can be prepared for secondary transition - although I think they probably had a couple of weeks in July in mind.”

“Right, Year 6, yes, jot that down Arthur. Anything else?”

“Oh, well, I mean, that’s just a suggestion. I know that some of the research says that the youngest pupils are least at risk, so we could look at…”

“Jolly good, so the youngest ones. What are they - age 7, 8?”

“Erm, 4 actually.”

“Really? Good Lord. Right, so you want the first years and the sixth year in.”

“Oh, well, the first year is actually called Reception.”

“Good oh! So, jot this down, Arthur: Reception, first years and Year 6 back on 1 June.”

“Well, I’m not sure that’s such a good idea. I mean, Reception children will only have had about 20 weeks in school, and if they’re in half classes they won’t be with their teachers, and half of them will have to be in an unfamiliar class. And we haven’t even thought about how we keep them socially separated.”

“That’s agreed then: half the children back, 1 June, and tee off at about 10 on Thursday. Well done, Jeremy.”

“Er, it’s Jamie, actually.”

Michael Tidd is headteacher at East Preston Junior School, in West Sussex. He tweets @MichaelT1979