a Contraception

b That the reason little Johnny is doing so badly in school is that he’s a complete moron. And he’s fat, and he smells

c Respect for the teaching profession

d The use of the electric cattle prod in the domestic environment.

2 Drunken elks attacked an old peoples’ home in Sweden after eating fermented apples. What did the old people say?

a Help, we are being attacked by drunken elks

b Nurse!

c At least it beats Swedish television

d Where are these apples?

3 Jamie Oliver has left Greenwich with a pound;40,000 bill following his school dinners series. What do the councillors say?

a I knew those elkburgers were a mistake

b That’s the Sainsbury’s application out of the window

c What did he want all those Swedish apples for, anyway?

d That’s the last time we let a chef into one of our schools

4 Researchers have found that teenagers’ brains change at adolescence. What do teachers say?

a So that’s why Johnny’s a complete moron

b Well, who’d have thought it?

c Next thing, they’ll discover Santa Claus doesn’t exist

d Which part of the word ‘Duh’ don’t they understand?

5 Scientists have discovered a hormone which suppresses appetite. Who will use it?

a Swedish elks

b Greenwich council

c Santa Claus

d Little Johnny

ANSWERS: 1c, 2a, 3d, 4d, 5b