Reading the new Schools White Paper was always going to be a frustration during a period where schools are still coping with the very significant impacts of Covid, from high levels of staff absence, to the wide variation in learning gaps in every classroom.

And so it proved, as so often with the Department for Education in recent years, the frustrations were indeed plentiful.

The basics

Despite the usual focus on English and maths, there was no mention of the old “back to basics” adage - perhaps because they can’t get the basics right themselves.

Given the ubiquity of spelling and grammar checkers these days, there’s no excuse for a DfE document being filled with typos from the “Education Endowmnet (sic) Foundation” to the suggestion that the phonics check is a “predicator” of reading comprehension ability.

The fact that the second sentence of the foreword is missing its comma doesn’t bode well.

Meaningless numbers

Let’s start with the presumably plucked-from-thin-air 90 per cent target for Year 6 pupils reaching the expected standard.

We’ve been here before: David Blunkett set the 85 per cent target in the late 1990s and made sure he was off in another department before that particular hen came home to roost; you can be pretty sure that it won’t be Nadhim Zahawi explaining why he has failed to meet it in eight years’ time.

And that’s before we even look at the 32.5 hours.

More break times for everyone

I’ve already stuck a sentence on my website saying that we’re open for 32.5 compulsory hours. It’s meaningless without the context of how many of those hours actually include teaching, of course, but why let that stop us?

The DfE tells us that it will bring everyone up to the average length of day - but with no indication of whether it will create a single extra minute of learning time.

That’s because they don’t know. They’ve never bothered to find out.

So instead, we’ll have schools that have spent time consulting with families about shortening their breaks - to fit transport needs or to align with neighbouring schools - having to stretch them again so they can stick the sentence on their websites, too.

More academy freedoms

I lead an academy school. It works well for us, and I would encourage others to join us. And what better way to highlight the nonsense of the DfE’s approach: you’ll be compelled to open for 32.5 hours a week, but have the freedom to open fewer weeks every year if you wish.

It’s almost like they haven’t thought this through.

More language hubs

Whatever happened to the old language hubs? Well, just don’t ask. Instead, look at these shiny new ones.

From 2023, just five years after the last announcement of language hubs to transform learning in foreign languages, comes the new plan: modern foreign language hubs.

Presumably, those schools that opted for an ancient language need not apply?

Imagine the money this will cost

That’s all you’ll be able to do, because you won’t see any of it.

The White Paper includes a Parent Pledge for support for every child “falling behind”, but 25 per cent of children are already falling short of the new Year 6 target before we even consider the pandemic.

Sir Kevan Collins might have thought that it would require several billions of pounds just to put that right, but never fear: the DfE believe it can be done by shuffling a few deckchairs and making a pledge.

Maybe by “pledge” they mean we need to start our own telethons?

And then come the most devilish of words: schools will be “financially incentivised” to provide tutoring. One can’t help but think that this particular carrot might end up looking quite a lot like a big stick.

Michael Tidd is headteacher at East Preston Junior School in West Sussex