Like many of my colleagues across the education sector, I’ve found myself frequenting a new kind of watering hole in recent months: the webinar. During the 54th week of January, I spent some time reflecting on the unwritten rules of attendance.
As I have scarcely seen another three-dimensional human being in that time, I have simply assumed my experiences to be universal, and have formalised this pragmatic approach to webinar etiquette by penning the following 10 commandments.
The 10 commandments of online teacher CPD
Thou shalt have no commitments before me
“I am the webinar link and I shalt be buried amidst a cosmic number of superfluous emails, else shrouded in the chaotic bin of Google Drive…”
Thou shall gauchely sit clad in blanket and consuming Coco Pops
No other webinar participant can see you, yet you shall fear their judgement.
During this unsettled period of paranoid snacking, you will take in precisely zero information from the webinar. All intellectual power will instead be spent internally chastising yourself, eventually committing to a more formal attire for all future webinars in order to be taken more seriously by everyone who can see you. Which is no one.
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Thou shalt scroll the graven images
Of the attendees list, looking for your favourite colleagues and Twitter associates.
Thou shalt feel smug, should no other appear
You should take a brief moment here to congratulate yourself on this solo endeavour.
Thou shalt quickly repent
You will suddenly feel an overwhelming level of anxiety wondering why you are the only one here. Is there a grave warning around the irrefutable source of this webinar lurking in the chasm of unread emails? Are you about to be groomed to join an educational cult that doesn’t believe in formative assessment or Coco Pops?
Thou shalt seek comfort in caffeine
Soothe your nerves and find solace in your seventeenth cup of coffee at this point. Remind yourself that you are not bound by the feeble bonds of coffee-shop-strength java in this domain, and experiment maniacally with measurements.
It is of the utmost importance at this stage that you take short breaks from your frenzied brewing to continuously peer around the office door and ensure that you have not been personally called upon by the high-profile speaker whom you have never met.
Thou shalt be faced with a calamitous interruption
This can manifest in a variety of forms, all of which will require your immediate and undivided attention. For example, an entirely blameless combustible caffeine incident, or fighting and/or vomiting pets and/or children. Or sudden deterioration of key structural elements of your property. As an educator, you are well equipped to deal with any of the above possibilities. Resolve whichever act of God has descended upon your lockdown lodgings today, collect any remnants of the potent coffee creation and return to the webinar.
Honour thy commitment to professional development
There are approximately 10 minutes left of the webinar, and your prime has now come. You will settle in front of the screen, dusting off the rubble, gently positioning the now empty Coco Pops bowl on to the mountainous range of crockery adorning your work space, and listen with interest. You’ll marvel at the possibilities these strategies could bring to your teaching practice. You’ll feel a rush of creative excitement as you experiment with dual coding in your notes. You’ll make an eye-wateringly concentrated effort to ignore the rising feelings of shame that accompany each artless scribble. You’ll resort to archaic bullet points.
Thou shalt bear false witness against thy neighbour
Now is the time to cunningly deceive all other attendees into thinking that you have been actively listening the entire time. This is most commonly achieved by contributing to the chat box
Thou shalt honour the feedback form
By observing the ancient tradition of filing it with all other tasks considered non-essential, in a vacuous space known as The Void. Weeks and months will pass, until you reflect on this pattern of behaviour while penning a brief article for Tes, and feel deep regret.
Thou shalt apologise to each webinar host whose feedback form has remained untouched
Sorry.
Laura Kayes is an advanced practitioner and performing arts lecturer across Luminate Education Group’s FE and HE provision
