In schools, girls’ relationships with one another are commonly seen as complex and angst ridden, with arguments and fall-outs that go on for ever. Boys, on the other hand, are perceived to have easy and straightforward relationships: when they fall out, they have a quick fight and it’s all forgotten.

There is, however, little empirical evidence to support that picture. In fact, we totally misunderstand what girls’ friendships are all about and we do them a disservice.

According to Dr Eileen Kennedy-Moore, a clinical psychologist from New Jersey and author of Growing Friendships: a kids’ guide to making and keeping friends, what the research suggests is that “girls expect more of their friends than boys do. Boys expect somebody who can keep the game going, and the girls expect a full mate” (see pages 16-19).

A “full mate” is exactly what it says; there are no half measures. It’s someone who is all in, someone who is loyal to you, is prepared to look out for you, to give emotional support, and is prepared to do the work to understand you. A complex relationship, for sure, but one that should be seen in a much more positive light. Because who wouldn’t want a “full mate”, someone who always has their back, at any time in life? Don’t boys want that “full mate”, too?

And what about women? There’s so much exploration of girls’ relationships in schools, but there’s little focus on the friendships forged between women in education. That seems strange when women comprise some three-quarters of the teaching population and dominate other school roles. How do the friendships between all these women work in the school environment?

That’s something we need to work on. There’s rightly a big focus in schools on supporting students and helping them to succeed, but staff can only make that happen if they themselves feel supported and encouraged to be the best they can be. Usually, we discuss that support within the context of how a headteacher can support their staff, or how parents and staff can build stronger relationships. But the relationships between staff can often be the ones that make a difference in the high-pressure environment of a school.

Look at the camaraderie in the armed forces: there’s much hardship and courage, but it’s the bonding and the feeling of all being in it together that gets them through. Schools may not be a battleground, even though they can feel like it sometimes, but there is or should be a feeling of all being in it together.

It’s not just about in-school relationships, either. Grassroots teacher conferences are so popular because they provide the chance to build a wider set of teacher connections and, with that, gain a much broader support structure - no wonder teachers are willing to attend them in their own time. It’s not just exchanging ideas and learning about good practice, it’s forming new friendships with people who they might not have met otherwise.

WomenEd is a great example of how effective these groups can be. Even though female teachers dominate the workforce, there are big inequalities in terms of the number of women in senior leadership roles and the gender pay gap. WomenEd provides women with the support they need and the encouragement to push themselves and propel themselves forwards, to be “10 per cent braver”, as its mantra goes. And some true friendships are formed, too.

Those female friendships are so important right now. Women, especially mothers, have been shown to be shouldering more of the domestic burden than men, so support from their female friends and colleagues is more important than ever. No half measures. They need the “full mate”.

This article originally appeared in the 24 July 2020 issue under the headline “It’s not just girls who need ride-or-die friends - teachers do, too”