Our world is increasingly shouty. If we want our children to be heard, we need to teach them to speak up.
Too often, as others argue around them, children avoid confrontations and are embarrassed to speak their minds. They get overwhelmed and find it tough to decide what to think.
We have to do something about this. Children need to be able to formulate opinions, to think clearly about problems, and to know how to disagree without falling out with people. They need to know how to have tricky conversations and hold their own.
When it comes to precisely how to teach pupils these skills, I am no expert. However, I have been a journalist, author and broadcaster for over 20 years, and, along the way, I’ve learned a thing or two about how to have these sorts of conversations - and, of course, how to formulate an opinion.
I’ve distilled all I know into a guide for children, What Do You Think? How to agree to disagree and still be friends, which I’m hoping will equip children with the tools and confidence to manage difficult conversations throughout their lives.
As school is the place they spend the most time, it’s likely that many of these discussions will happen in classrooms, school corridors and playgrounds. We need to encourage these discussions, and teachers are in a unique position to guide and facilitate them. Therefore, there are aspects of my work that I think are important for teachers to know, too.
Communication skills: teaching pupils to agree to disagree
The use of ‘fast’ thinking and ‘slow’ thinking
The distinction between “slow” and “fast” thinking was first outlined by two psychologists, Daniel Kahneman and Amos Tversky.
We tend to think in two distinct ways. When we think “fast”, we jump to a conclusion based on a whole range of lifetime experiences. A dangerous example of this is when assumptions are made about someone on the basis of their ethnicity. When I was at school, for example, my teacher Mr Phelan assumed that I would be cooking curry in the school “Masterchef” competition. He had taken one look at my skin colour and assumed I must love curry, because my dad is from Pakistan.
More teaching and learning:
“Slow” thinking is much more deliberate. If Mr Phelan had done this, he would have taken a few minutes to talk to me about what sort of things I ate at home, and found out that my dad lived in Reading for 12 years, and what he loved most was a roast chicken, followed closely by a deep-pan margherita.
Slow thinking is tough; it’s more formalised and less instinctive. We need our children to be able to distinguish between the two, and be able to actively choose to think slowly, rather than fast.
Why we need to argue the other point to gain empathy
When you believe in something strongly, it can be hard to understand the other person’s point of view. I think a great tool can be to get children to argue the opposing view, rather than their own, to develop empathy and appreciation for the opposing argument.
Often we think that the person on the other side to us is morally horrible. Being forced to think about their perspective, and the evidence they have for it, isn’t about getting people to change their mind but helping people to disagree more productively.
Too often we get stuck in echo chambers (especially on the internet) where we are surrounded by those who agree with us. We need to encourage children to break out of these, and seek out people with whom they disagree; you can never have too much information, feedback or challenge.
The importance of being clear about premise
When we argue, we often forget to fully specify what our premises are; this means explaining that the reason why I’ve got this conclusion is because of A, B, and C. When we don’t do that, we talk past each other, and can end up disagreeing with those who actually have a similar opinion. It could be that the person you’re arguing with wants to get to the same objective, but they just think there’s a different way of doing it.
Reflecting on your sources and spotting fake news
When being clear about your premise, it’s important to reflect on your sources. There is so much fake news out there. I’ve created a checklist that can help young people engage with the internet and detect fake news where possible.
- Who is writing the story? Are they an established author or journalist? Do they have a reputation for writing crazy stories or real news?
- What is the purpose of the story? Is the writer or website trying to sell you something?
- Can you find the story elsewhere? Does it say the same thing or is there another side to the story? Can you find the same story with the same facts in three different places?
- Is it on a website you have heard of? Are there spelling mistakes or grammatical errors?
- Photos can be edited, so be careful not to assume that everything you see in a photo or video is real.
Practice, practice, practice
Being able to communicate verbally with other people, and agree to disagree without falling out, is one of the most important skills in life. It’s not an innate ability that anyone is born with; it’s something that can be learned and developed.
We can improve our communication, we can improve how well we listen to other people, we can improve our emotional intelligence. When teachers impress that upon children, and give them the opportunity to practise these skills (through a debate club or debate time in class, for example) it can be so powerful.
Matthew Syed is an author and broadcaster, and he was talking to Kate Parker. His latest book, What Do You Think? How to agree to disagree and still be friends, is out now
