In the intricate world of parenting and education, there is an undeniable truth that resonates with every caregiver: children require boundaries. Not to constrict and stifle but to help young people grow into respectful and confident adults.

Unfortunately, based on numerous conversations during years in pastoral roles, it is evident establishing limits can prove challenging for caregivers; for some, it stems from not having previously implemented boundaries, simply struggling to say “no”, or lacking the knowledge and skills to enforce effective limits.

This is not “parent blaming” - it is hard to get right.

The post-pandemic world has not helped either as the greater freedom and reduced limitations children have experienced have made setting boundaries more difficult for parents.

Parent-teacher relationship

With this in mind, my pastoral leadership team and I identified this as an area in which we could offer support by sharing experiences of implementing boundaries, explaining why it is necessary to do so and highlighting the positive benefits of ensuring limits are put in place where necessary.

Delivered on our school campus and running for 90 minutes, our Setting Boundaries coffee morning provided a forum to explore different aspects of a child’s path to adulthood, and discuss scenarios that require boundaries and the consequences of leaving issues unaddressed.

We had 50 parents sign up for our first session, which was focused on topics such as sleep and rest, study and extracurricular activities and digital dependency.

Lack of boundaries

To help get conversations flowing, we discussed a scenario of a fictitious Year 9 who was heavily involved in extracurricular activities, spent a significant amount of time on his phone and often played games late into the night.

Parents were invited to consider the impact that this could have on family life, studies, social skills and, ultimately, social and mental wellbeing. This helped them start to see the link between each area and why a lack of boundaries created multiple problems.

From this, we could then start chatting to parents about how, in each area, boundaries could be set that help bring some control to this fictitious pupil - and get them to see how this linked to their own children, such as the importance of enforcing reasonable bedtimes and a good night’s sleep.

Taking back control

This is also linked to the realisation that the devices children claim as their own do, in fact, belong to their parents.

Taking back this ownership and ensuring children understand a parent’s right to monitor content and decide when devices are used and for what purpose was such a powerful and eye-opening discussion point for some who had overlooked this idea.

It was also important during the session to highlight that, as adults, we have to model good behaviour when it comes to boundaries such as phone use; putting our devices down during dinner and other social settings sets the example we want to see in our children and is a powerful act worth reflecting on regularly.

Parents shared their own ideas for this, too, such as encouraging offline family activities and creating screen-free zones in the home, and it was great to see our caregivers add their own thoughts in addition to the advice offered by my experienced team.

Avoiding schoolwork overload

While phones and sleep are perhaps well-known issues, the challenge of students taking on too many extracurricular activities is perhaps a trickier issue to unpick, not least due to the cultural perceptions from different parent groups about the importance of doing as much as possible in school.

While we are fortunate to have parents who want their children to experience as many enjoyable activities as possible, the danger of pupil burnout is all too real.

As such, raising this as another example of boundary setting was extremely useful in helping parents realise they and their child have to make informed choices about their level of commitment alongside schoolwork so extracurricular activities enhance, rather than hinder, their education outcomes.

While one of our key aims as educators in the workshop was to share insights and ideas with parents, it was equally important to use the session to establish a supportive network in which parents could draw on the expertise of each other.

It was heartening to witness caregivers sharing successes and moments of despair and, generally, receiving reassurances that they are already doing lots of great things to support their children and are not the only ones facing such challenges.

Ultimately, by working closely with parents, we can ensure that boundaries put in place support our young people during their journey towards independence and allow them to take risks in a secure environment.

Ian Watts is assistant head of secondary (student wellbeing and community) at The International School @ ParkCity, Kuala Lumpur