Children are more likely than ever to be affected by divorce – and yet it doesn’t feature in the new relationships and sex education guidance. Here, experts tell Kate Parker why teachers need to include divorce in their lessons – and what the best approach is
There is a common word that’s absent from the government’s new relationships and sex education (RSE) guidance. And yet it’s a word that affects huge numbers of children and their families.
The guidance, which became statutory last year, does not once mention “divorce”, although there are references to children’s rights, home circumstances and family breakdown (see the first box below).
The word “marriage”, on the other hand, is mentioned 14 times.
This is concerning to Jonny Hunt, a lecturer in applied social sciences: childhood and youth at the University of Bedfordshire, who previously worked as an RSE consultant for schools.
“If you look at the learning objectives, divorce is not mentioned there, but there is an emphasis on marriage, disproportionately, in relation to ‘healthy relationships’,” he says.
This lack of balance is a worry for Hunt because, statistically speaking, it is more likely than ever that a significant number of children in an average class will have experience of divorce within their families.
According to the Office for National Statistics, in 2019 there were 107,599 opposite-sex divorces in England and Wales. That’s an increase of 18.4 per cent compared with 2018 and it also represents the biggest annual percentage increase since 1972, when the Divorce Reform Act was first introduced. Among same-sex couples, there were 822 divorces in 2019, nearly twice the number in 2018.
Government statistics published in March 2020 show that huge numbers of children are directly affected by divorce, with 3.5 million children now having “separate families”: parents who are no longer together.
Teaching about divorce: a gap in provision
For Jan Ewing, a research fellow at the University of Exeter and former family law solicitor, statistics like these make it clear that teaching children about divorce is crucial.
“Too often, children don’t have a voice in the separation process. And actually, children cope better when they are consulted about arrangements for them,” she says. “This is where PSHE can come in: equipping children with their rights, and tools to deal with separation emotionally, ensures they feel more confident in making their voice heard.”
Obviously, the issue is incredibly sensitive, and while many teachers are already skilled at handling difficult topics, when it comes to divorce, Hunt says that he has observed “a gap in teaching”, and this is something that needs to change.
“Explicitly teaching children about divorce, and about relationships bereavement, would be a massive step forward. More and more young people have families that have fallen apart, more have blended families,” he says.
Teachers, it seems, are broadly in agreement with Hunt. Research by Ewing and her colleague Anne Barlow, due to be published next month, found that while there is a strong appetite for teaching - in primary and secondary schools - about children’s rights and the support available to children if parents separate, there is an absence of teaching resources to help teachers deliver on that. This leaves teachers feeling ill-equipped to support affected pupils, and pupils ill-served.
The desire to do something being hindered by a lack of resources is a situation many teachers will be familiar with. But there are two other major problems with the teaching of this topic, says Sophie King-Hill, a senior fellow in the Health Services Management Centre at the University of Birmingham: teacher workload and a lack of government support.
“[Family separation] should be embedded within PSHE lessons, but we’ve got to be aware of the context that schools are in at the moment. Teachers are an exhausted workforce, and are picking up the pieces from Covid. And while many recognise the necessity of teaching this, these things always get pushed back, just as sex education does,” she says.
“In order for all schools to be able to deliver on this, the government needs to provide more resources so external experts can be brought in to train staff on how to teach this”.
Hunt agrees, and adds that by avoiding the word “divorce” in the guidance, we risk failing to fully acknowledge the fact that not all marriages will be secure and happy.
“We know that just because you’re married, it doesn’t mean you’re safe, it doesn’t reduce the risk of domestic violence or child abuse. We need to make sure children know that divorce doesn’t have to be a sad thing; it can actually be a really positive thing, too,” he says.
How to approach divorce in the classroom
Despite the challenges, Ewing, Hunt and King-Hill are all keen for more teaching about family separation and divorce in schools. So what’s the best way for teachers to approach these topics?
For Ewing, the focus should always be on the child’s rights. She’s worked with the National Youth Advocacy Service (NYAS) and the National Association of Child Contact Centres (NACCC) to develop two free lesson plans for key stage 3 children.
The plans highlight inspirational young people, such as Greta Thunberg and Malala Yousafzai Malik, who have made their voices heard, and then zoom in on a child’s rights in important decision making, such as when your parents separate (see the second box below).
“We try to normalise how children might be feeling. Even though it happens to so many, they can just feel really alone, and unsure who to turn to,” Ewing says. “We look at the support available, their right to information, and what approaches like mediation can do.”
Hunt agrees with this approach, and emphasises the importance of helping children to deal with their emotions around divorce. The key, he says, is to prepare them early on. From the start of primary school, for example, teachers should celebrate diverse families - which may not be a mum, a dad and two children - and make it clear that what makes a house a home is that it’s somewhere children feel safe, no matter who lives there.
“If you can emphasise that at primary, then as children get older, and if things do fall apart, they know that they haven’t lost their family; their family has just changed,” he says. “Even if it’s not descriptive in the guidance, we need to build emotional literacy, wellbeing and resilience.”
‘Even if it’s not descriptive in the guidance, we need to build emotional literacy, wellbeing and resilience’
Delivering the above is not easy. King-Hill suggests that one practical approach is to start with an “anonymous question box”.
“Give everyone a matching piece of paper and pen. Ask everyone to write something, even if they don’t have a question. Then they put it in the box, and you read them all out, and answer the questions. You might get five questions in a class of 20, but because everyone had to write something, nobody stands out. It’s really inclusive,” she explains.
But while this activity might be simple, King-Hill is keen to point out that the discussion it may generate can’t be.
“You can’t just teach this and then move swiftly on to the next subject. There has to be time and resources provided after the session if support is needed,” she says.
There is another consideration that King-Hill says must also be taken into account in discussions about teaching the subject of divorce: the personal circumstances of the teacher.
“Teachers need to feel comfortable enough to verbalise concerns, and say, ‘I’m not comfortable teaching divorce because of my own situation.’ It could bring up memories for them, it might trigger them. We’ve got to look after the staff as well,” she says.
Parents shouldn’t necessarily be a consideration, though, despite what might be going on at home, says Helen Mars, a head of PSHE at a state school in the North of England: no matter what the feedback is from parents, children need this education.
“There are so many things that we cover in PSHE that may be a trigger or concern at home that we still arm the children with information about; for example, FGM, forced marriage,” she says. “Why should divorce be any different?”
Parents at her school are, however, encouraged to inform the school when children are having a tough time, so that those children can be flagged up to teachers.
“Often, if children are going through a really traumatic time, they have an exit card for a set number of weeks so that they can choose to remove themselves, but we wouldn’t, as a matter of course, remove them from a lesson,” says Mars.
When it comes to concerns about a parental backlash, Ewing takes a similar stance.
“Children have rights. You’re not putting ideas into their head [by teaching this], you’re just telling them what their rights are and supporting them with their emotions,” she says. “We need to give children that opportunity to be heard and then normalise that for parents.”
King-Hill agrees: “We will do children a massive disservice if we don’t tell them how it is - sensitively, obviously. We can help children to understand what’s going on, and we can signpost them to agencies who will support them. It can only do good.”
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