How many conversations do we have each day? The answer to this will, of course, vary from person to person. It will depend on a range of factors including a person’s job, their home environment and how sociable they are.
For teachers, the number of conversations they have will be too many to count. Throughout the day at school, teachers will talk to the children in their class individually and as part of a wider group. They’ll talk about a book they’ve read, ask if they’ve understood the task in maths or if they had fun at lunchtime.
But how many of those daily conversations would you describe as “incredible”? A quick internet search will tell you that “incredible” suggests things that are “impossible to believe” or “extraordinary”. According to Jane Gilmour and Bettina Hohnen, however, an incredible conversation is something much more humble: it is a conversation that helps to build a relationship.
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Gilmour and Hohnen are both clinical psychologists and academics with a specialist interest in neuropsychology. Their new book, How to Have Incredible Conversations With Your Child, is centred on the belief that incredible conversations should be at the heart of both parenting and education.
“The incredibleness of the conversation can appear quite small. You might not notice these conversations as being incredible until you realise the impact they have in building a relationship,” explains Gilmour.
Strong relationships are absolutely critical if we want children to succeed, say Gilmour and Hohnen. After all, successful relationships predict good mental health, higher academic success, improved resilience, a higher income, better employment satisfaction, stronger physical health and greater longevity. Incredible conversations, therefore, equal incredible wellbeing.
Indeed, Hohnen highlights the Harvard Study of Adult Development, which is one of the longest-running studies on human happiness. The study has followed 724 men since 1938; around 60 of those men remain alive today. Researchers looked at diet, smoking, exercise, wealth, and found that relationships with other people were the strongest predictor of longevity and wellbeing.
Fostering incredible conversations
Clearly then, relationships matter. And Hohnen and Gilmour believe that incredible conversations are the way to foster these. So, what do teachers need to know about conducting them?
Hohnen and Gilmour have developed a wellbeing compass, which includes four sets of incredible conversations.
The first set is “Who are you?” - these are about finding out what’s true for a child, who they are and who they want to be. The second is “How are you?” - these help children to think about the full range of their emotions and make it a safe place to talk. The third is “What helps?” - these are about sorting through the resources, tools and support that we use (or could use) when times are tough. The fourth and final set is “What gets in the way?” - here, teachers should gently explore the obstacles facing children and the ways around them.
So when should these conversations happen? Should teachers dedicate individual times each day for the children in their class? Should the conversations happen in certain lessons, like PSHE? Or do they need to be embedded throughout practice? Really, it should be the latter, says Hohnen.
“We can’t predict who a child is going to connect with, so while it’s a nice idea to have a structure, and to use it through PSHE, it’s really important that it’s something you can pull out of the bag if a young person approaches you, or you find that you have a connection. These conversations can build trust, it’s about being able to respond to what’s in front of you,” she says.
Gilmour and Hohnen say there are countless ways in which to unlock incredible conversations with children. If you are struggling to engage with a pupil, they suggest taking an interest in their passion, and using that as a way in, and stress the importance of having the conversation happen away from the rest of the class.
Keeping your tone calm and warm is key - even if the pupil is really pushing your buttons. When you’re in the classroom, Gilmour and Hohnen say teachers should model the conversation behaviour they want to see in their pupils, and carefully consider classroom conduct, tone of voice, attitude towards others and listening skills.
How can teachers actively listen?
It’s absolutely critical that teachers really listen to what children are telling them, stresses Gilmour. So how can teachers make sure they are actively listening to children?
Paraphrasing is key, she says. Repeat back to the children what they’ve told you. It not only confirms to the child that you’ve heard something they have said, but it can also help them to organise their thinking.
“When it comes to very young children, who have their individual word phrases, teachers should be conscious to use their exact phrasing,” she says. “Whereas, with older children, you can process what they’ve said a little more, without losing the meaning. For example, if you say ‘Ok, I’ve heard this’, they might say, ‘No, I didn’t mean that, I mean this’, and it can help them to work through their emotions.”
Hohnen highlights the importance of using your body to actively listen. “Listen with your whole body: with body language, with eye contact, put your laptop and phone away. Give a lot of physical messages to signify that you are present and you are really attuned to what is going on for them,” she says.
Another powerful technique is to simply allow the children to feel the emotion they are feeling: so if they feel stressed, don’t name the emotion, but gently suggest, “do you think you might be feeling anxious?”, which can encourage the child to name the emotion, and therefore process it.
How to approach a child who doesn’t want to talk
Incredible conversions, therefore, are important not only in building relationships but in helping children to process their emotions, to discover who they are and to overcome barriers. But what can educators do when they are faced with a child who doesn’t want to talk?
The first thing teachers should do is to ask themselves why, says Gilmour. Is it to do with a previous experience? Their current environment? If you’re in a maths class for example, and you know the child has negative associations with that particular room, try and remove them from that environment.
“Next, I’d try to read the signals, and grasp the moment when you can,” she explains. “If a child is very shut down and not able to engage, do not make it more aversive for them. Take it gently and comment on the emotion you can see. For example, saying ‘I can see you’re feeling uncomfortable’. And that might be all you do then and there.”
Later on, take the child to one side and try again, she says. This time, try and distance them from the situation by saying to them: “Imagine if you had a worry, who would you tell at home? Who would you tell at school? And what might get in the way of that?” It’s all about the “hypothetical” situation to try and get them to open up. It will be a slow burn, says Gilmour, but it can be really effective.
Some students may be worried about the school rules, says Hohnen. And while a teacher can never promise not to do anything with the information children tell them, it is important to ensure they know it’s safe to share their worries, and that you can tolerate the good, the bad and the ugly.
Critical to this is ending the conversation on a positive note, stresses Gilmour.
“Make sure you let the pupils know that anything they’ve done in that conversation with you - if they divulged a little or a lot - it was a success. Explicitly say to them ‘I’m really glad that you’ve spoken to me’,” she says.
“No matter what the content, make sure you mark the end of the conversation and say, good for us, we had a goal to have an incredible conversation, and we did. Even if that conversation ends in a row, you can still mark it and say, yes, we did it, we tried, we’re going to come back and do it again. This makes the conversation incredible, and the relationships will be better as a result.”
